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Banyan News Reporters on Groundviews uses satire to raise awareness on and interrogate corruption, war crimes, impunity, censorship, civilian displacement, abductions, torture, extra-judicial killings, human rights violations, "national security" and humanitarian aid. To understand why satire is such a powerful expression and mechanism during violent conflict and severe media repression, read Bridging comedy and conscience.

Refuge for Colonel Gadaffi in Island Paradise?

gaddafi2

16 April 2011, Colombo, Sri Lanka: Sri Lanka has in its history occasionally served as a refuge for persecuted personalities but it may have its most controversial refugee yet. Colonel Muammar Muhammad al-Gaddafi has reportedly secured an understanding with the Government to Sri Lanka to secure refuge in the country in the eventuality that he has to flee his native Libya. Sources from within the government confirmed that the offer was made to the Colonel in a telephone call recently following a number of losses by forces loyal to Colonel Gadaffi. Our source clearly stated that the Sri Lankan Government stands firmly with the Government of Colonel Gadaffi and condemns the international intervention of the West, and will ensure its support to ensuring the stability of the Libyan Government. The offer of a refuge has only been offered as a “mark of friendship” between the two leaders confirmed the government source. President Mahinda Rajapakse and Colonel Gadaffi are known to have a…

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New Festival to Promote Unity in Sri Lanka

Screen shot 2011-03-16 at 3.14.17 PM

16 March 2011, Colombo, Sri Lanka: A press conference was held in Colombo earlier today to launch the latest fixture on Sri Lanka’s ever busier festival calendar. Organisers of The Boycott Festival issued a brief statement and then invited the press to enjoy the refreshments in the ballroom. The Boycott Festival will take place over five days, beginning today and ending after a lunch banquet on Sunday. A full list of objections may be obtained by emailing endorsement@boycott.com. In their statement the festival organisers said they were angry and upset with what has taken place and continues to take place in our country. They admitted that worn down by the last six – and also the last thirty – years, they could no longer muster enthusiasm for anything and would really prefer not to. They were tired, they said, and couldn’t face the journey to the festival site. They would not be attending. Director Karthika Peiris said ‘As ever, we…

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  • 2 Mar, 2011
  • 9 Comments
  • Colombo,
    Satire,
    Sport

Say No to ‘Dharmista Cricket’ in Sri Lanka!

Sri Lankan cricket fans look for villains who (almost) ruined their national game By Banyan News Reporters The crisis may be over, but Sri Lankan cricket fans are still fervently debating who very nearly stole their most cherished cultural heritage: the island’s own version of the quaint English game of cricket. They are trying to discern sinister motives behind the short-lived ban on all fun and merry-making at ICC World Cup cricket matches currently being played in Sri Lanka. The most ardent fans have even launched a nationwide search to identify the originators of ‘Dharmista Cricket’ — a heavily sanitised version of the game that was very nearly forced on 20 million cricket crazy fans. “We are hugely relieved that diabolical attempts to ruin our cricket have been defeated,” said L B W Bolawardana, spokesman for Save Sri Lanka Cricket (SSLC), a people’s protest movement that sprang overnight via Facebook and Twitter. “But we have to remain vigilant. We believe there…

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Sri Lankan Minister continues farce

9 July 2010, Colombo, Sri Lanka: The leader of the National Fiefdom Front (NFF) Mrs Wimala Weerahansa continued her farce unto death in front of the Unverified Notions (UN) office near Bulls Road in Colombo yesterday – only God knows why. Large crowds were seen gathering at the scene and shouting insults at a Chinese man in a show of moral support of the Cabinet Minister. Mr. Saman Gonagama – a protester at the scene speaking exclusively to Banyan News Reporters said that he fully supported the minister in this brave, courageous, patriotic, wise, really productive and useful endeavour. “We really hope she farce unto death” he added. Some political observers in Colombo speculate that Mrs Weerahansa is waiting in line to advise the UN panel appointed by Secretary General Kim Ba Noon to advise him on what he can and cannot do. Sources close to the farcical Engineering Services Minister claim however that she was protesting the screening of “Three…

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Monsoons: Another western conspiracy against Sri Lanka?

18 May 2010: Colombo, Sri Lanka: The unusually heavy rain and storm activity over Sri Lanka during the past few days could be the result of another international conspiracy against the resurgent island, a citizens’ science group says. “The timing and intensity of the inclement weather is too much of a coincidence, just when we were preparing to celebrate our armed forces’ great victory over the LTTE exactly one year ago,” said the Vidyartha Patriots’ Institute for Science and Society (VPISS). They added: “We suspect that a foreign hand, possibly a western country, may have tampered with our seasonal rainfall patterns. We ask the government to investigate if this could be the case.” While the south-west Monsoon rains are typically expected to commence in mid May over the western and southern areas of Sri Lanka, the intensity of the rain has surprised even experienced meteorologists. The Department of Meteorology said on 17 May that a storm was developing over Sri…

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Banyan News astrologer analyses planetary event on 26 January 2010

zodiac

21st January 2010, Colombo, Sri Lanka: The occult of warrior Mars and royal Jupiter on 26th January will dominate the planetary motions in our heads, guts, backsides and wallets for the next six years. The official Banyan News astrologer Mr Ahasrahas analyses the implications of the above cosmic event to determine the extent to which we will get screwed in the next phase of this rather predictably catastrophic cosmoastropoliticosociomasochistical cycle. The cosmic collision on the 26th will have a profound effect on Aquarius and Cancer over the next six years. You survived the bloodshed and misery brought about by the Sun God who moved out of your fifth house last May and you may even have side-stepped a few landmines and escaped 81mm mortars in your time, thanks to your lucky stars. But the planets will continue to bring ‘mung-eta’ donated by Malaysia, ‘kadala-parippu’ donated by Canada and flour from the World Food Program for you to make vegetarian ‘kottu-roti’ until your villages are…

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Urgent National Security Overhaul in Sri Lanka

10 January 2010, Colombo, Sri Lanka – The government in an emergency press briefing today, announced that it will take steps to overhaul the national security strategy of the island. The government defence spokesman, Minister Kokila Bathalahitawanna admitted that a post-war review of the defence plan had exposed glaring gaps in the national security strategy that needed urgent attention. Military Spokesman Brigadier Rajarathna T Pakshadeemana detailing the changes, said that the first step would involve a radical change in the uniforms of all armed forces personnel. “We found that current military uniforms do not provide adequate protection or camouflage in areas where solders are most often deployed” he pointed out. “The role of the military in the post war context has changed dramatically, from jungle warfare against ruthless terrorists to a primarily urban environment” the military spokesman observed, adding that “they have now been issued with new camouflage kits that are better suited to this new environment”. He refused to…

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Guidance on Star Gazing: Government to set up Advisory Council for Astrologers?

Colombo, Sri Lanka - A special Advisory Council for Astrologers is to be established in the lead up to presidential elections to ensure “consistency” in astrological forecasts, claims a source from the Ministry of Indigenous Sciences speaking exclusively to Banyan News Reporters. The Ministry is expected to put forward a cabinet paper in the first week of January proposing the Advisory Council, which will play a supervisory role over all astrologers registered with the Ministry. “This is aimed at improving astrological predictions and to prevent citizens from being abused and misled by untrustworthy astrologers” claimed a source from the Ministry of Indigenous Sciences. “Some unpatriotic astrologers do not give predictions based on their astrological calculations and just say what they think will please their clients. This is unscientific, unscrupulous and a violation of established cosmological principles” added the source. The Advisory Council is expected to consist of seven leading astrologers who will oversee the readings of other astrologers. The Council will…

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Rajapakse: Now the most popular surname in Sri Lanka?

Colombo, Sri Lanka - Banyan News Reporters (BNR) learns from the Registrar of Names that a record number of people in Sri Lanka are requesting a change in their surnames. Over the last few months, the Registrar of Names notes that most of the applicants have requested to change their surname to Rajapakse, or to add it on as an additional surname. “This is unprecedented. Never in my thirty years at the department have we had so many applicants” confirmed Mr Satish Rajapakse, Director of the Applications Unit of the Registrar of Names. He noted that since the end of war, the number of applications increased exponentially. Mr. Rajapakse refused to discuss with BNR any details regarding the profile of the applicants. However, BNR learned through a highly-placed source at the Ministry of Defence, which is also monitoring this situation that the majority of these applicants are young male graduates. The source opined that these individuals may think a Rajapakse surname…

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  • 20 Aug, 2009
  • 29 Comments
  • Colombo,
    Satire

The Beauty of Barbed Wire: Sri Lanka’s cutting edge exhibition

Barbed Wire that will be on exhibit

Colombo, Sri Lanka – Banyan News Reporters learns that Sri Lanka will hold the world’s first barbed wire exhibition for 180 days beginning 1st September  at the Bandaranaike Memorial Hall under the auspices of the Ministry of Human Rights Disaster Management. Titled ‘The Beauty of Barbed Wire’ the exhibition will showcase cultural uses and relevance of barded wire in Sri Lanka. “Barbed wire is such a misunderstood medium. This exhibition will demonstrate the multiple uses for barbed wire in Sri Lanka and the long-standing importance of barbed wire in Sri Lankan culture” says the curator of the exhibition, Katherine Gracious. The use of barbed wire as an aesthetic boundary is a principal focus of the exhibition. The gardens of the BMICH will also be used for this section of the exhibition with a number of leading garden designers and horticulturalists involved. “While the ‘Rose Barbed Garden’ will be an obvious favourite with the attendees, others such as the ‘Vegetable Coil…

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  • 28 Jul, 2009
  • 48 Comments
  • Colombo,
    Satire

Another Dangerous, Pervasive Foreign Item Corrupting Innocent Sri Lankan Minds!

Banyan News Reporters was pleased to receive this patriotic open letter to the President of Sri Lanka from a group of concerned parents. An open letter to President Mahinda Rajapaksa, Sri Lanka 28 July 2009 Your Excellency / Your Majesty, We are a group of parents who address this letter to you after much thought and discussion. We want to bring to your all-encompassing attention a matter of utmost public interest that concerns current and future generations. First and foremost, we deeply appreciate your personal interest in all matters: nothing seems too small to escape your attention, and nothing appears too large for your intervention. We especially salute your unprecedented and historic efforts to reassert Sri Lanka’s territorial integrity, national identity and cultural heritage. We know these gains were accomplished against so many international and national conspiracies. We applaud your government’s ban on students taking mobile phones to all schools – may they be government, private or international. The mobile…

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  • 1 Jun, 2009
  • 7 Comments
  • Colombo,
    Satire

GM Mosquitoes Unleashed in Sri Lanka? Multinational Company’s Involvement Suspected

31 May 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: Genetically modified (GM) mosquitoes may have been released in the Greater Colombo area this year and can wreak havoc on public health, scientists and activists warn. These mosquitoes are larger in size, and far more resistant to insecticides and other repellents. “They will not be deterred by mosquito spray or coils – in fact, these methods will have no effect on these new breeds,” a top entomologist, who did not wish to be named, said. It was not immediately clear as to what species of mosquito has been genetically modified to make them withstand eradication measures. This news comes in the wake of a losing battle that local governments and health authorities have been waging against mosquito-borne diseases in recent years. In particular, the number of dengue hemorrhagic fever (DHF) cases has been on the rise, with a particular increase during monsoonal periods from May to September each year. Many residents in Kotte, Battaramulla,…

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Breaking news: BNR discovers through CNN poll that International Community undecided on intervening in Sri Lanka

12 May 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: The International Community is expressing its concern over the deaths of thousands of civilians including at least one hundred children who are caught between the crossfire as fighting raged between the Sri Lankan Armed Forces and the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam (LTTE) an internationally proscribed terrorist outfit. In light of the recent developments in the tiny island off the southern tip of India, a recent survey conducted by CNN on whether the International Community should intervene in the conflict has produced an inconclusive and convoluted set of results. A Brazilian farmer whose coffee beans where brewed at the recent UN security council meeting told CNN that the International Community should intervene to limit Sri Lanka’s Tea exports while in the neighbouring Caribbean island of Jamaika, polers reported that the sky had turned a deep purplish blue and mumbled incomprehensibly. Further north, a member of the International Community running working for Lockheed Martin in…

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  • 27 Apr, 2009
  • 13 Comments
  • Colombo,
    Satire

‘Barefoot Nation’ to revive an ancient tradition?

27 April 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: The government is considering a proposal to usher in a new ‘barefoot revolution’ in Sri Lanka as part of its philosophy to revive ancient Sinhala traditions. This will see the systematic phasing out of footwear use in all government offices, and other places where politicians and officials are present. The practice will be first introduced in Parliament, as well as offices of the President and Prime Minister, and later extended to cover all government offices. “Wearing shoes and slippers is a recent habit introduced to our people by western colonialists,” says Emeritus Professor Amaradasa Gunasekera, originator of the idea. “The ancient Sinhalese knew that we living in a tropical country do not need to cover our feet. In our current quest to revitalise indigenous knowledge and traditional Sinhala Buddhist culture, we want to restore this excellent practice.” Professor Gunasekera, who is Presidential Advisor (No 223) for reviving ancient traditions, has drafted a policy paper…

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  • 20 Apr, 2009
  • 4 Comments
  • Satire

Sri Lankan Government orders all MPs into secure camps

20 April 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: Special security camps, called ‘Government Comfort Centres’ are to be established in order to improve security for Government MPs, according to sources in the Defence sector. Due to fears of LTTE attacks in the coming weeks the Government ordered that all its Members of Parliament will be housed in these centres. “The Government Comfort Centres are perfectly suited for defensive purposes with no access for outsiders and minimal movement out of these centres for residents” added the defence spokesperson in an exclusive interview with Banyan News Service. According to the plans titled ‘Responsibility to Protect Members of Parliament (R2P MP)’ dated April 2009, the centres will be constructed in three adjoining plots of land which will house approximately 109 Members of Parliament, their spouses, dependents, relatives and apparatchiks, estimated to be just over 1,000 persons. The GCCs under R2P MP plans aim to create a secure and comfortable living environment, free from the constant…

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About Groundviews

Located at the Centre for Policy Alternatives in Colombo, Sri Lanka, Groundviews is a citizen journalism website that uses a range of genres and media to highlight critical perspectives on governance, reconciliation, human rights, the arts and literature, democracy and other issues. The site has won two international awards, including the prestigious Manthan Award South Asia in 2009. The grand jury's evaluation of the site noted, "What no media dares to report, Groundviews publicly exposes. It's a new age media for a new Sri Lanka... Free media at it's very best!"

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