Urgent National Security Overhaul in Sri Lanka

Banyan News Reporters

10 January 2010, Colombo, Sri LankaThe government in an emergency press briefing today, announced that it will take steps to overhaul the national security strategy of the island. The government defence spokesman, Minister Kokila Bathalahitawanna admitted that a post-war review of the defence plan had exposed glaring gaps in the national security strategy that needed urgent attention.

Military Spokesman Brigadier Rajarathna T Pakshadeemana detailing the changes, said that the first step would involve a radical change in the uniforms of all armed forces personnel. “We found that current military uniforms do not provide adequate protection or camouflage in areas where solders are most often deployed” he pointed out. “The role of the military in the post war context has changed dramatically, from jungle warfare against ruthless terrorists to a primarily urban environment” the military spokesman observed, adding that “they have now been issued with new camouflage kits that are better suited to this new environment”. He refused to explain what the new uniforms actually looked like, however noting that “the new uniforms of armed forces will provide them with adequate cover from the enemy in any city street that is overflowing with presidential campaign posters, cut-outs of men with moustaches, public funded hoardings for the incumbent and other piles of rotting garbage along city streets”. All military vehicles including olive green Armed Personnel Carriers (APC) as well as white Abducted Hostage Carriers (AHC) will be painted blue and red with a white lotus emblem in the front rear.

Speaking further, the defence spokesman noted that the government will provide free karate training to journalists they – more than any other segment of society – have been victims of intimidation, threat and violence in the past few years. “Our government has decided to consider even journalists as people of this country” he said. “Karate means ‘bare hands’ in Japanese” the minister noted with a sparkle in his eye, adding that “the government will soon be able to expose the treacherous NGO funded belief that ‘the pen is mightier than the sword’ is a western conspiratorial myth”. “In the past two and a half decades in particular, we have seen ample evidence that this is not the case; surely, a newspaper editor with a pen cannot defend himself against four armed men in motorbikes?” he asked rhetorically.

Among a vast array of additional changes to the national security policy currently being planned by the defence establishment include importing special idiot proof limousines for government ministers, nurturing a traitor proof state media, establishing law proof society and an election proof second term for the incumbent president.

  • wijayapala

    The above is truly a masterpiece in satire. I can’t even point out which was the funniest line!

  • Leanie Meanie

    Oh dear. “importing special idiot proof limousines for government ministers”?

    But how will they get inside the vehicle, then? MR is OK, since he already can’t get inside and so he travels by helicopter perhaps. But the other monsters? I can’t spell, I meant ministers. If they can’t get in to their vehicles they also might demand helicopter rides.

    Also did BNR misspell “election proof second term for the imbecile president”?

    Red and blue?
    Interesting. Why do they still want the red in their colors. The reds are no more supporting them.

  • Mr Minority

    You probably need to add a few (fool proof) condoms as the two stars seems to be pregnant and the question is who fathered?