Photo courtesy The Daily Beast

Your Highness,

I am writing to be Informing you that my wife is leaving home today, threatening to be joining the Opposition. Please do not be thinking she is traitor. She is still very much devoted to you and is thinking the Opposition is way too common for the liking of even very common people like ourselves. It is just that she is hearing from some rumouring peoples that if someone is threatening to be going and joining the Opposition Your Majesty is offering a large and attractive inducement for that person to be staying firmly in position. Therefore she is also declaring the intention to be to be joining the Opposition because if she can be getting even a few thousand rupees that is something these days. (And if this is true and factual, then I am also not really minding joining the Opposition for even short time. It is very difficult for even one person to be living on two people’s salaries but inducements for two people might be enough for whole family and more).

I am knowing that some nasty people are saying that you are offering the bribes to the people. But I am wanting to be assuring you that I and millions of other peoples are understanding perfectly what you are doing. Even little children are knowing that after your glorious victory over the most despicable Prabhakaran you are abolishing the bribery in the country, just like you are abolishing the terrorism (and a few other things). What we are having in the country today is not bribery but the offering of inducement, encouragement and the relief. Like the budget. Some people are calling it big bribe but it is nothing more than the big relief. For everybody. Whole country is now getting used to idea of getting and giving the inducement and the relief instead of the bribe. People who are previously asking the official if he is liking some money under the table are now simply asking if he is wanting some relief under the table. Many people, ministers, MPs, officials, even policemen are used to getting their relief and inducement this way now. And this is all that you are offering to the peoples who are threatening to be leaving government. Little inducement to be remaining faithful. Nothing more.

We are fully aware and conscious also that the inducements are going hand in hand with the filing system. A file in the modern Sri Lanka is very much like album but with small difference. In album we are only recording happy memory, whereas in the file there are mostly naughty memories. These days in Sri Lanka everybody is having such a file on somebody. The boss is having the file on the worker, worker having the file on the boss, doctor on the patient and patient on the doctor and the nurse. Sometimes children are having files on the father and the father is having the file on children and mother also. Our Majesty is having the file on everybody, even his own family so that you can be fully and totally aware of the naughty things every subject is doing. Even baby Namal is having big file because he is sometimes naughty baby. Some peoples are calling it the rank and file system. Bigger the rank, thicker the file. And when inducement is failing, file is opening. This is giving new meaning to the expression ‘open and shut case’. File open, mouth shut!

This is why some peoples are wondering why you are still not opening the My-three’s file. The nasty ones are saying this is because My-three is also having Your Majesty’s file. The really nasty ones are even saying My-three is holding Your three very firmly and strongly and because of this you are suffering great discomfort to the body and the mind. I am thinking this cannot be true because considering Your Majesty’s achievements in the past five years alone one file is never going to be enough. You are needing something like the filing cabinet or maybe even the whole archive. But no one is seeing the My-three leaving government with cabinet. Maybe files are coming when the whole cabinet is also leaving. But I can be speaking only on what is happening now. Not the hereafter. Therefore, I am thinking, for the moment, My-three’s file is shut because Your Majesty is waiting to be seeing if he is wanting other inducement also. When Your Majesty is sure and certain that no other inducement is wanting file will be coming out. Open and shut.

All I am asking is to be considering my wife’s request and to be giving her the biggest inducement you can be offering to common peoples like ourselves. Even the inducement of a few thousand rupees is great relief at this moment. There is absolutely no need to be opening our files. We are people of very small rank and file.

The vindictive peoples in the Tamil diaspora are saying that they are also having files on you and they are threatening to be showing them to the Hague people if Your Majesty is defeated. Your Majesty must be laughing from the royal backside when you are hearing this because I am sure you are already having the files on the Hague people also. They are never going to be touching you as long as they are knowing that. Another open and shut case.

I am also knowing that a very, very small minority of the people are wondering if this is good way to be running country. But it is ridiculous idea. In many other more advanced countries (which will not be for very long because Sri Lanka is sure to be overtaking them very soon) they are practising similar system. When peoples are complaining about something, government is giving the inducement, called the concession. But if complaining too much, then giving the capsicum spray, called the repression. In the Sri Lanka under the glorious reign of Your Majesty it is far more sophisticated and civiliased. Complaining? Have the inducement. Take the relief. Complaining more?? File open, mouth shut!

And in the very rare case that Your Majesty is losing the election to My-three and his band of traitors you can still be relying on the same system to be avoiding somebody checking your filing cabinet. Just be giving the call to the Obama or any other imperialistic leader and be telling them you are having all their files. Unless some nice little cottage is prepared for you and your family’s retirement in some corner of the imperialistic world, all their files are going to be opened and never shut. That is never going to be as good as lording it over the rank and file in the Wonder of the Asia but I am sure it is going be much better than wandering aimlessly in the Asia wondering when someone is going to be catching you and dragging you to be reviewing your files.

Your most humble and unbelievably faithful servant,

The Silva

PS: If you are seeing my wife to be giving inducement can you please be telling her to be coming home soon. I am hungry. If she is not coming soon with or without inducement I am going to be opening her file and distributing the contents all over the neighbourhood.