A couple of days ago, I watched an inter school girls basketball match in Colombo and I was appalled by the level of refereeing in terms of being biased towards one team.  Refereeing any sport is not easy and human errors have to be excused, but as a sportsman when I saw so many seemingly biased decisions given in favor of one side leaves a trace of doubt as to whether there is indeed some collusion. Then when you see the coach of the favored team has no compunction in displaying the close friendship with the referees during breaks, it compounds things.
I could only imagine a conspiracy here, whether or not it is supported by the school’s administration. Nevertheless, it unfortunately taints the school too, but there are much bigger implications for all of us.  This is about our world, our collective future as a humanity, and yes, even this unethical behavior by the referees is just a microcosm of what is happening around the world for short term gain; selfishness, win at any cost mentality has us in a game of zero sum competition and we hurt each other at a larger level.
Biology of the Brain
In biological terms, this behavior from the team condoned by the coach, parents and the referees is reptilian as this part of the brain acts only as a survival mechanism. We do have a limbic part of the brain too driving the neo-cortex, which is the seat of compassion, cooperation, fair play and nurture which gets shut off to survive in a dog eat dog world.
The reptilian brain kicks in when we are under threat, the same way I become reptilian when I get behind the wheel of my car in Colombo – I am responding to an unsafe environment, where I have to fight for space, put up with aggressive Leyland buses, dodge three wheelers and more.  I think the only way we can reawaken our limbic part of the brain is to condition it to be more skillful under threat with techniques such as meditation and yoga. So we have to start with the young to teach them differently to respond more skillfully to the dog eat dog world out there to make it less so.
This seemingly insignificant bad behavior of the referees means a lot, because we are dealing with our future who are very impressionable. They will define and live the values they learn from their parents, teachers and coaches.  If the parents, teachers, coaches and the school says win at any cost, even at the cost of honesty, integrity and the honor of sportsmanship, that is the way they will live their adult life too and we see plenty of unsociable behavior all around us.
The world we are leaving behind…
I feel guilty as an adult having passed the half way point in life, as we are leaving our children a world behind in tatters, when it comes of social and environmental responsibility. Â Â I really wonder whether we have done enough to change this in our lives so far.
This came to light for me when I attended an Authentic Leadership workshop in Halifax, Canada a few years ago, at an intergenerational session. Over 30’s went to one side of the room and we discussed the kind of world we are leaving behind to our children. The under 30’s went to the other side to discuss the kind of world they are inheriting from us.
We regrouped on either side of the room and faced each other for the discussion. I was blown away when one young person got up, pointed finger at all of us and said, “Your generation gave us, money and materials like great houses, gadgets, cars, food, but you did not give us love”.  He went onto say that, most of his friends in the room like him feel a great void in their lives, an emptiness as a result of not having their parents around to talk to them, play with them, touch them, read stories to them, instead they were out there making money to give them things.  They do not want to repeat this with their children, but can they as long as the world’s way of life is to be reptilian?.
I am not blaming our generation alone, but this session was very emotional for all of us over 30s and it certainly gave me a jolt into thinking how I am with my own kids amidst my busy professional life. Fortunately, we live in Sri Lanka with its social support network, from the domestic help at home to extended family and friends, very different to the loneliness of the west.
Yet, I amended my ways to spend more time with them, to play with them, make dinner a regular family meeting time and looking back as they grow up, I am so happy I made the time to give them our love and a bit of wisdom too.  We are rewarded with a great relationship and more so I marvel at how they inspire us all the time with what they do out there in the world.  Likewise, I also realized that we as adults and parents have to focus on our children to nurture them differently through a foundation of respect and positive relationships.   This will empower them through a higher self esteem.
So, when I see, adults like these referees, for whatever reason, ethical or not, using children as their pawns to meet their own selfish ends, I feel sad. The coach wants their school to win, maybe his job is at stake and the referee for friendship or favor, is helping him to keep his job, but the children, they are innocent, but learning that putting an elbow into the opposing teammates face or a kick in the shins is all ok as long as they win.  Some day they may become victims of this thinking, but even if they do not realize it, they come out to the world thinking winning at any cost is important.
Micromanaging
A while ago, I facilitated a British Council sponsored Sportsmanship, Leadership and Ethics, a pilot program for school cricket captains of central and the north western provinces through Sri Lanka Cricket. In both programs, I was appalled to hear from the captains that they were not allowed to set the batting order, the field or decide on the bowlers or make any other decision as a captain. All these orders came from the coach in the sidelines.  As I had heard it in both provinces, I asked to meet with some of the coaches in Kandy. When I asked them this, they reluctantly agreed and said, “We are under tremendous pressure from the Principal and parents to win at any cost, or we lose our job”.
So, this was very clear, that the leadership of the school and parents set such a bad example for their own egos to win matches on their behalf, and the coach is under tremendous pressure to deliver, so he or she will go to great lengths to win, losing the plot of why all these sports are there in the first place in schools – to teach children leadership, values, ethics, fair play cooperation, teamwork, sportsmanship…
So, we wonder what is happening to our world full of zero sum competition, violence and hatred.
We are compassionate beings:
It is doubly sad, as the human is a compassionate being with the limbic part of the brain operating in default. The reptilian brain comes into play only when we are in danger and have to fight to survive.  In this world of ours, the reptilian brain has become default driving the neo-cortex into acting like animals and not humans, as if we are in danger all the time. This danger is an illusion created by man himself – not evolved and deceived by a large ego.
The only way to change this is to guide our children. Let us teach them young to look inward, to meditate, do yoga and martial arts, so they can be centered, confident and skillful even in the face of difficulty to be ethical, compassionate, to respect self and each other and win in life.  For that, we have to walk the talk too…. Checking on the difference between what we say and what we actually do… as parents, teachers, coaches and referees.