by Global Citizen for Banyan News Reporters
Colombo, Sri Lanka: – Elite black tiger commando units of the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam (LTTE) carried out an attack last night on farmers who may or may not have produced the vegetables and eggs that caused 270 people including 202 students to be hospitalised for suspected food poisoning in Trincomalee yesterday.
Leader of the LTTE’s political wing P Nadesan who himself was the victim of food poisoning from kottu roti told reporters that he will personally hunt down the bacteria responsible for the calamity, but the lack of VIM Dishwash bars in the no-fire zone was severely hampering his efforts. â€œOur organisation takes the battle against food poisoning and gluten intolerance very seriously” remarked Nadesan who is affectionately known as â€œPadasami Hari Gandeshwaran” by his associates in reference to his sensitive digestive system.
Defence Secretary Mr. Goatspirit condemned the LTTE attack on innocent farmers claiming that there was no credible evidence that they were responsible for the food poisoning. â€œWe are a democratically elected government” he explained, adding that â€œYou can’t kill people when there is no evidence of any involvement in criminal activity. As a democratically elected government, we will abduct anyone we suspect of causing the food poisoning and remand them indefinitely under the â€œPrevention of Food Poisoning and Propagation of State Terrorism Act”.
President Rajapakse who was severely distressed by the event, urged all patriotic Sri Lankans to contribute generously to rebuild a railway line so that the government will be able to transport varieties of ‘malu banis’, ‘seeni banis’, ‘kimbula banis’, ‘gal banis’ and ‘nikang banis’ to the war torn northern regions of the country. The President also donated his entire March salary to the project commenting that the flow of ‘malu banis’ to the North will show the world that his government is committed to safeguard the newly won freedom in the North by our heroic soldiers”.
Without this month’s salary, the President is expected to ask for an IMF bailout to balance his budget and meet balance of payments obligations to ‘Paradise cakes’ this month, failing which he will have no alternative but to dip into his retirement savings or start â€œHelping Hambantota” again to survive.