Jaffna, Satire

Sri Lankan government admitted to the proctology ward of General Hospital

Banyan News Reporters

by Global Citizen for Banyan News Reporters

Colombo, Sri Lanka: Our sources revealed that the Sri Lankan government was admitted to the proctology ward of the General Hospital in Colombo late last week after it complained about acute abdominal dysfunction.

Leading British proctologist, Doctor Des Browne was hurriedly pushed in to examine the Sri Lankan government even before the patient was consulted. Dr. Browne later told reporters that he was unable to examine the patient due to an abnormal tightening of its anal sphincter – a muscle controlled by the patient’s nervous system to keep out uninvited poking in inappropriate places.

It is believed that the Sri Lankan government first reported these symptoms as it was trying to purge the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Ealam out of Sri Lanka’s digestive system. Local and foreign media nurses who have been poking around the patient’s anal sphincter have diagnosed that the most severe pains were reported in the appendix where close to a hundred thousand indigestible civilians have been stranded. The government has been complaining that the area around the civilians has been infected by HumanRights bacteria and NonGovernmental fungi. We discovered that Sri Lankan military doctors have been planning for several weeks if not months to surgically remove the appendix, which has been a painful process to date. Meanwhile it is feared that a potentially carcinogenic concentration of the remaining cadre of the LTTE was highlighted by doctors as adding to complications.

Medical staff complain that the health of the state is difficult to determine let alone diagnose because the government does not allow sigmoidoscopes to be inserted into inappropriate places. One of the last remaining working stethoscopes in the country was shot last month and one of the Digestive Disorders Diagnosis units of the local media vandalised by a group intent on hiding the symptoms instead of treating the cause. Several cardio-vascular units, vital for Sri Lanka’s quick recovery to a stable condition, have also had to be taken out of the country for their safekeeping. 

The patient’s condition is not yet listed as critical, but further ingestion of “guli” administered by local Veda Mahaththaya’s has put the fate of this stubborn patient in a perilous situation.