Archive for the ‘Satire’

  • 28 Jul, 2009
  • 48 Comments
  • Colombo,
    Satire

Another Dangerous, Pervasive Foreign Item Corrupting Innocent Sri Lankan Minds!

Banyan News Reporters was pleased to receive this patriotic open letter to the President of Sri Lanka from a group of concerned parents. An open letter to President Mahinda Rajapaksa, Sri Lanka 28 July 2009 Your Excellency / Your Majesty, We are a group of parents who address this letter to you after much thought and discussion. We want to bring to your all-encompassing attention a matter of utmost public interest that concerns current and future generations. First and foremost, we deeply appreciate your personal interest in all matters: nothing seems too small to escape your attention, and nothing appears too large for your intervention. We especially salute your unprecedented and historic efforts to reassert Sri Lanka’s territorial integrity, national identity and cultural heritage. We know these gains were accomplished against so many international and national conspiracies. We applaud your government’s ban on students taking mobile phones to all schools – may they be government, private or international. The mobile…

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  • 1 Jun, 2009
  • 7 Comments
  • Colombo,
    Satire

GM Mosquitoes Unleashed in Sri Lanka? Multinational Company’s Involvement Suspected

31 May 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: Genetically modified (GM) mosquitoes may have been released in the Greater Colombo area this year and can wreak havoc on public health, scientists and activists warn. These mosquitoes are larger in size, and far more resistant to insecticides and other repellents. “They will not be deterred by mosquito spray or coils – in fact, these methods will have no effect on these new breeds,” a top entomologist, who did not wish to be named, said. It was not immediately clear as to what species of mosquito has been genetically modified to make them withstand eradication measures. This news comes in the wake of a losing battle that local governments and health authorities have been waging against mosquito-borne diseases in recent years. In particular, the number of dengue hemorrhagic fever (DHF) cases has been on the rise, with a particular increase during monsoonal periods from May to September each year. Many residents in Kotte, Battaramulla,…

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Breaking news: BNR discovers through CNN poll that International Community undecided on intervening in Sri Lanka

12 May 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: The International Community is expressing its concern over the deaths of thousands of civilians including at least one hundred children who are caught between the crossfire as fighting raged between the Sri Lankan Armed Forces and the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam (LTTE) an internationally proscribed terrorist outfit. In light of the recent developments in the tiny island off the southern tip of India, a recent survey conducted by CNN on whether the International Community should intervene in the conflict has produced an inconclusive and convoluted set of results. A Brazilian farmer whose coffee beans where brewed at the recent UN security council meeting told CNN that the International Community should intervene to limit Sri Lanka’s Tea exports while in the neighbouring Caribbean island of Jamaika, polers reported that the sky had turned a deep purplish blue and mumbled incomprehensibly. Further north, a member of the International Community running working for Lockheed Martin in…

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  • 27 Apr, 2009
  • 13 Comments
  • Colombo,
    Satire

‘Barefoot Nation’ to revive an ancient tradition?

27 April 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: The government is considering a proposal to usher in a new ‘barefoot revolution’ in Sri Lanka as part of its philosophy to revive ancient Sinhala traditions. This will see the systematic phasing out of footwear use in all government offices, and other places where politicians and officials are present. The practice will be first introduced in Parliament, as well as offices of the President and Prime Minister, and later extended to cover all government offices. “Wearing shoes and slippers is a recent habit introduced to our people by western colonialists,” says Emeritus Professor Amaradasa Gunasekera, originator of the idea. “The ancient Sinhalese knew that we living in a tropical country do not need to cover our feet. In our current quest to revitalise indigenous knowledge and traditional Sinhala Buddhist culture, we want to restore this excellent practice.” Professor Gunasekera, who is Presidential Advisor (No 223) for reviving ancient traditions, has drafted a policy paper…

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  • 20 Apr, 2009
  • 4 Comments
  • Satire

Sri Lankan Government orders all MPs into secure camps

20 April 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: Special security camps, called ‘Government Comfort Centres’ are to be established in order to improve security for Government MPs, according to sources in the Defence sector. Due to fears of LTTE attacks in the coming weeks the Government ordered that all its Members of Parliament will be housed in these centres. “The Government Comfort Centres are perfectly suited for defensive purposes with no access for outsiders and minimal movement out of these centres for residents” added the defence spokesperson in an exclusive interview with Banyan News Service. According to the plans titled ‘Responsibility to Protect Members of Parliament (R2P MP)’ dated April 2009, the centres will be constructed in three adjoining plots of land which will house approximately 109 Members of Parliament, their spouses, dependents, relatives and apparatchiks, estimated to be just over 1,000 persons. The GCCs under R2P MP plans aim to create a secure and comfortable living environment, free from the constant…

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  • 1 Apr, 2009
  • 14 Comments
  • Colombo,
    Satire

Discovered: A sunken island, an Indian Ocean Atlantis?

Banyan News World Exclusive! Godavaya, Sri Lanka: 14 March 2009: Marine archaeologists have just discovered evidence of a large submerged landmass southeast of Sri Lanka. They believe it could be a legendary lost island closely linked to the culture and history of Sri Lankan people. The discovery was made by a team of Dutch and Sri Lankan scientists based on satellite maps and underwater sample extractions from the deep sea. Preliminary data need to be verified by a deep sea submersible expedition during 2009 – 2010, according to a member of the research team who did not want to be identified. The landmass is estimated to be between 450,000 and 475,000 square kilometres, which is about seven times the total land area of Sri Lanka. “This could well be the long lost island of Irisiyawa, which is euphemistically mentioned in our chronicles and hinted at in the writings of Greek historians,” said Dr Godwin Samarawickrama, a maritime historian at the…

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  • 25 Mar, 2009
  • 8 Comments
  • Jaffna,
    Satire

President Rajapakse donates monthly salary and ‘malu banis’ to farmers attacked by LTTE

by Global Citizen for Banyan News Reporters Colombo, Sri Lanka: – Elite black tiger commando units of the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam (LTTE) carried out an attack last night on farmers who may or may not have produced the vegetables and eggs that caused 270 people including 202 students to be hospitalised for suspected food poisoning in Trincomalee yesterday. Leader of the LTTE’s political wing P Nadesan who himself was the victim of food poisoning from kottu roti told reporters that he will personally hunt down the bacteria responsible for the calamity, but the lack of VIM Dishwash bars in the no-fire zone was severely hampering his efforts. “Our organisation takes the battle against food poisoning and gluten intolerance very seriously” remarked Nadesan who is affectionately known as “Padasami Hari Gandeshwaran” by his associates in reference to his sensitive digestive system. Defence Secretary Mr. Goatspirit condemned the LTTE attack on innocent farmers claiming that there was no credible evidence…

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  • 17 Mar, 2009
  • 9 Comments
  • Satire

TASTY CHOCOLATE AIDING TERRORISTS

17 March 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: Tasty Chocolate Manufacturers Pvt Limited is being investigated for assisting the LTTE’s aerial attack on Colombo on February 20 according to sources within the security forces. More than ten bars of chocolate were found in the LTTE plane shot down over Katunayake while investigations are being carried out on the wreckage of the second plane which crashed into the Inland Revenue Building to prove that Tasty Chocolate was being carried in both planes. “That both pilots had Tasty Chocolate shows that the Company is aiding and abetting terrorism” a reliable source from the security division told Banyan Newswire, noting that “We believe the Company provided the LTTE with chocolate as a high energy substitute for the tastier but severely depleted BP-100 rations from the UN.” Banyan News did try to contact the Tasty Company but their number was engaged so we did not pursue this further as it is a pro-terrorist entity and we…

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Dial a White Van for a pest-free life!

Baynan News Commercial Dial a White Van for a pest-free life! Coldline: 0666 911 911 Have you just been outsmarted, outwitted or plain debunked by a smart alec academic? Or is that nosy journalist probing your ministry, department or company seriously threatening your nest egg project or retirement plan? Or you simply can’t stand the sight of your neighbour (or colleague, or batchmate) doing better than you in life? Don’t just sulk there – do something! Just tell us your worries and let us take care of it all. Try our fully air-conditioned, ISO-certified, state award-winning pest control service. Once available exclusively to VIPs, we have just expanded to serve the whole nation. We offer several packages: White Van Light: Just abduct, rough up, threaten and return home – with tongue firmly tied. No blood spilled. White Van Medium: All the above – plus 5 fingernails (you get to choose) and ransom extracted. White Van Ultimate: No trace, no questions,…

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Government and LTTE differ on value of life

by Global Citizen for Banyan News Reporters Colombo, Sri Lanka: Researchers at the Sri Lankan Ministry of Defence and their counterparts at the LTTE Humanitarian Research Institute at Puthukkudiyirippu (formerly based in Kilinochchi and which did not at any time have a hospital) have been competing for months to produce the most accurate calculation of the value of life. The Defence Ministry spokesman who leads the government research team revealed their preliminary findings several months ago through the Media Centre for National Security. Speaking to Journalists, he reported that eight soldiers had died in battle the previous day, when the actual body count of security forces personnel killed in battle was thirteen. He assured that according to his scientific calculator, the given numbers indicated the value of a soldier’s life was approximately 0.6153846153846. Based on these figures, he said that 36.92307692307 valiant soldiers laid down their lives for the motherland when their busses came under terrorist attack a couple of weeks…

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  • 22 Feb, 2009
  • 2 Comments
  • Colombo,
    Satire

LTTE offers tax break to Sri Lankan businesses

by a Special Foreign Correspondent for Banyan News Reporters London (February 21st) – Two Grammy Award winning paper planes of the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Ealam (LTTE) crashed in Colombo last night, killing two people and injuring 58 others according to our sources in Sri Lanka. The first plane exploded into the Inland Revenue Department building while the other one was reportedly shot down near Katunayake when its pilot’s identity was mistaken for a prominent journalist. Moments after the attack, the pro-LTTE web media quoted Alan Greenspillai, the finance secretary of the banned terrorist organisation, who claimed that their mission was to give Sri Lankan businesses a tax break. “We want to encourage small and medium businesses to reinvest their tax savings on capital infrastructure and productivity gains to boost to the lagging economy during these tough economic conditions” he said. The government defence spokesman pointed out that, with the tiger air-threat almost certainly entirely eliminated, citizens of Sri Lanka now have…

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  • 16 Feb, 2009
  • 5 Comments
  • Jaffna,
    Satire

Sri Lankan government admitted to the proctology ward of General Hospital

by Global Citizen for Banyan News Reporters Colombo, Sri Lanka: Our sources revealed that the Sri Lankan government was admitted to the proctology ward of the General Hospital in Colombo late last week after it complained about acute abdominal dysfunction. Leading British proctologist, Doctor Des Browne was hurriedly pushed in to examine the Sri Lankan government even before the patient was consulted. Dr. Browne later told reporters that he was unable to examine the patient due to an abnormal tightening of its anal sphincter – a muscle controlled by the patient’s nervous system to keep out uninvited poking in inappropriate places. It is believed that the Sri Lankan government first reported these symptoms as it was trying to purge the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Ealam out of Sri Lanka’s digestive system. Local and foreign media nurses who have been poking around the patient’s anal sphincter have diagnosed that the most severe pains were reported in the appendix where close to a hundred thousand…

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  • 8 Feb, 2009
  • 9 Comments
  • Jaffna,
    Satire

Cutting edge scientific research in Sri Lanka

by Global Citizen for Banyan News Reporters Colombo, Sri Lanka: With the drawn out military campaign against terrorism in its last phase, the Sri Lankan government has taken a decision to divert the country’s defence budget to fund science & technology, education and research. Economists point out that the move will power the Sri Lankan economy out of it’s recent set-backs and place Sri Lanka right at the centre of the world map – a position it had secured millions of years ago thanks to a geological phenomenon called ‘plate tectonics’. In its fresh forays into the world of high energy particle physics, the Sri Lankan military boxed up the LTTE in a 10km X 20km area in the country’s northern Vanni region. Their mission was to carry out a literal re-enactment of a thought experiment proposed by Erwin Schrödinger in 1935 that is widely known as “Schrödinger’s cat”. V Prabhakaran – the leader of the LTTE was chosen to…

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Remote Controllers a threat to National Security

New meters will monitor ‘patriotic TV watching’ by citizens By Banyan News Reporters Colombo, 15 January 2009: The television remote controller poses a serious threat to the country’s national security, the government has determined. A new law will soon be introduced to register and regulate this electronic item. The ubiquitous gadget helps unpatriotic persons to change the channel when matters of national importance are being broadcast on state TV channels. This, in turn, deprives the government its rightful opportunity to address and inform all its citizens, security advisors have pointed out. There is also the possibility that terrorists or their sympathisers could use remote controller as a ‘weapon of mass distraction’, to keep citizens uninformed or misinformed about the government’s resounding military victories in the North. “As a responsible government firmly believing in our right to inform the people, we must ensure that every citizen is reached. At this turning point in our history, we cannot allow subversive technologies to…

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About Groundviews

Located at the Centre for Policy Alternatives in Colombo, Sri Lanka, Groundviews is a citizen journalism website that uses a range of genres and media to highlight critical perspectives on governance, reconciliation, human rights, the arts and literature, democracy and other issues. The site has won two international awards, including the prestigious Manthan Award South Asia in 2009. The grand jury's evaluation of the site noted, "What no media dares to report, Groundviews publicly exposes. It's a new age media for a new Sri Lanka... Free media at it's very best!"

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