Archive for the ‘Satire’

  • 15 Nov, 2011
  • 3 Comments
  • Human Security,
    IDPs and Refugees,
    Satire,
    Vavuniya

What You Didn’t Know About The Vanni And Were Too Afraid To Ask

bnr

Prologue This is the continuing story of Gajaman Nona, an accomplished Sinhala poet, who was born in 1758. Emerging from a time capsule, GN finds herself in year 2011. The lady, who during her lifetime experienced dire poverty and took care of her four children with much difficulty, finds that her economic circumstances remain much the same 250 years into the future. However, unlike in the 18th and 19th centuries, a little investigation reveals that in 2011, there are more ways than one to make a ‘respectable’ living. Armed with information gleaned from perusing the newspapers and conversations with a group of people who appear to be untiringly working for the well-being of fellow human beings, GN decided to establish a NGO. Although she cannot quite decide what this NGO should be doing, being industrious, she doesn’t allow the lack of a clear aim to deter her and establishes ‘Rough Guide Inc.’, an organization which, as the title suggests, seeks…

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Refuge for Colonel Gadaffi in Island Paradise?

gaddafi2

16 April 2011, Colombo, Sri Lanka: Sri Lanka has in its history occasionally served as a refuge for persecuted personalities but it may have its most controversial refugee yet. Colonel Muammar Muhammad al-Gaddafi has reportedly secured an understanding with the Government to Sri Lanka to secure refuge in the country in the eventuality that he has to flee his native Libya. Sources from within the government confirmed that the offer was made to the Colonel in a telephone call recently following a number of losses by forces loyal to Colonel Gadaffi. Our source clearly stated that the Sri Lankan Government stands firmly with the Government of Colonel Gadaffi and condemns the international intervention of the West, and will ensure its support to ensuring the stability of the Libyan Government. The offer of a refuge has only been offered as a “mark of friendship” between the two leaders confirmed the government source. President Mahinda Rajapakse and Colonel Gadaffi are known to have a…

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New Festival to Promote Unity in Sri Lanka

Screen shot 2011-03-16 at 3.14.17 PM

16 March 2011, Colombo, Sri Lanka: A press conference was held in Colombo earlier today to launch the latest fixture on Sri Lanka’s ever busier festival calendar. Organisers of The Boycott Festival issued a brief statement and then invited the press to enjoy the refreshments in the ballroom. The Boycott Festival will take place over five days, beginning today and ending after a lunch banquet on Sunday. A full list of objections may be obtained by emailing endorsement@boycott.com. In their statement the festival organisers said they were angry and upset with what has taken place and continues to take place in our country. They admitted that worn down by the last six – and also the last thirty – years, they could no longer muster enthusiasm for anything and would really prefer not to. They were tired, they said, and couldn’t face the journey to the festival site. They would not be attending. Director Karthika Peiris said ‘As ever, we…

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  • 2 Mar, 2011
  • 9 Comments
  • Colombo,
    Satire,
    Sport

Say No to ‘Dharmista Cricket’ in Sri Lanka!

Sri Lankan cricket fans look for villains who (almost) ruined their national game By Banyan News Reporters The crisis may be over, but Sri Lankan cricket fans are still fervently debating who very nearly stole their most cherished cultural heritage: the island’s own version of the quaint English game of cricket. They are trying to discern sinister motives behind the short-lived ban on all fun and merry-making at ICC World Cup cricket matches currently being played in Sri Lanka. The most ardent fans have even launched a nationwide search to identify the originators of ‘Dharmista Cricket’ — a heavily sanitised version of the game that was very nearly forced on 20 million cricket crazy fans. “We are hugely relieved that diabolical attempts to ruin our cricket have been defeated,” said L B W Bolawardana, spokesman for Save Sri Lanka Cricket (SSLC), a people’s protest movement that sprang overnight via Facebook and Twitter. “But we have to remain vigilant. We believe there…

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Top 20 posts on Sri Lanka over 2010

Small - Screen shot 2010-12-31 at 8.15.03 AM

Featuring satire, poetry, photography and video to critical commentary and analysis, Groundviews covered major political events and processes in Sri Lanka over 2010. The site’s comprehensive coverage of the first commemoration of the end of war in Sri Lanka resulted in the publication of a seminal book that has been critically acclaimed by academia. Coverage of the 18th Amendment to the constitution was sui generis – content featured on Groundviews was completely absent from the Sinhala mainstream media, and only briefly touched upon in most English mainstream media. Only Groundviews looked at the real cost and symbolic violence of celebrations welcoming the President’s second term in office. This site exclusively featured accurate accounts of testimony to the Lessons Learnt and Reconciliation Commission (LLRC) by key witnesses, including those given by renowned diplomat Jayantha Dhanapala and former Secretary of Defence, Austin Fernando. Furthermore, particularly disturbing testimony to the LLRC, first published in the Tamil language print media, was translated to English and republished for a wider appreciation and greater…

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Sri Lankan Minister continues farce

9 July 2010, Colombo, Sri Lanka: The leader of the National Fiefdom Front (NFF) Mrs Wimala Weerahansa continued her farce unto death in front of the Unverified Notions (UN) office near Bulls Road in Colombo yesterday – only God knows why. Large crowds were seen gathering at the scene and shouting insults at a Chinese man in a show of moral support of the Cabinet Minister. Mr. Saman Gonagama – a protester at the scene speaking exclusively to Banyan News Reporters said that he fully supported the minister in this brave, courageous, patriotic, wise, really productive and useful endeavour. “We really hope she farce unto death” he added. Some political observers in Colombo speculate that Mrs Weerahansa is waiting in line to advise the UN panel appointed by Secretary General Kim Ba Noon to advise him on what he can and cannot do. Sources close to the farcical Engineering Services Minister claim however that she was protesting the screening of “Three…

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Monsoons: Another western conspiracy against Sri Lanka?

18 May 2010: Colombo, Sri Lanka: The unusually heavy rain and storm activity over Sri Lanka during the past few days could be the result of another international conspiracy against the resurgent island, a citizens’ science group says. “The timing and intensity of the inclement weather is too much of a coincidence, just when we were preparing to celebrate our armed forces’ great victory over the LTTE exactly one year ago,” said the Vidyartha Patriots’ Institute for Science and Society (VPISS). They added: “We suspect that a foreign hand, possibly a western country, may have tampered with our seasonal rainfall patterns. We ask the government to investigate if this could be the case.” While the south-west Monsoon rains are typically expected to commence in mid May over the western and southern areas of Sri Lanka, the intensity of the rain has surprised even experienced meteorologists. The Department of Meteorology said on 17 May that a storm was developing over Sri…

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Open letter to the President of Sri Lanka

January 28, 2010 Dear Mr. President, Congratulations on your land slide victory which, like most Colombo elites, I was stunned by. Your spokesperson Dr R Wijesinghe quite rightly described us as shallow and lacking foresight and the common touch unlike the rural polity who rightly judged your true capability and potential based purely on your good governance and not by manipulation through crafty and cut throat state propaganda. We eagerly look forward to another six or maybe eight? years of glorious Mahinda Chinthanaya. We have full confidence in your wise and just governance which you have so clearly displayed during the past four years. Yes, you narrowly missed a foul coup plotted by your adversary which would have destroyed you and your entire family as well as your extended family and even certain key public officials who have proved their worth as eminent and honest advisors to your rule.  Even post election, the truth needs to be shown on national…

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Banyan News astrologer analyses planetary event on 26 January 2010

zodiac

21st January 2010, Colombo, Sri Lanka: The occult of warrior Mars and royal Jupiter on 26th January will dominate the planetary motions in our heads, guts, backsides and wallets for the next six years. The official Banyan News astrologer Mr Ahasrahas analyses the implications of the above cosmic event to determine the extent to which we will get screwed in the next phase of this rather predictably catastrophic cosmoastropoliticosociomasochistical cycle. The cosmic collision on the 26th will have a profound effect on Aquarius and Cancer over the next six years. You survived the bloodshed and misery brought about by the Sun God who moved out of your fifth house last May and you may even have side-stepped a few landmines and escaped 81mm mortars in your time, thanks to your lucky stars. But the planets will continue to bring ‘mung-eta’ donated by Malaysia, ‘kadala-parippu’ donated by Canada and flour from the World Food Program for you to make vegetarian ‘kottu-roti’ until your villages are…

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Urgent National Security Overhaul in Sri Lanka

10 January 2010, Colombo, Sri Lanka – The government in an emergency press briefing today, announced that it will take steps to overhaul the national security strategy of the island. The government defence spokesman, Minister Kokila Bathalahitawanna admitted that a post-war review of the defence plan had exposed glaring gaps in the national security strategy that needed urgent attention. Military Spokesman Brigadier Rajarathna T Pakshadeemana detailing the changes, said that the first step would involve a radical change in the uniforms of all armed forces personnel. “We found that current military uniforms do not provide adequate protection or camouflage in areas where solders are most often deployed” he pointed out. “The role of the military in the post war context has changed dramatically, from jungle warfare against ruthless terrorists to a primarily urban environment” the military spokesman observed, adding that “they have now been issued with new camouflage kits that are better suited to this new environment”. He refused to…

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Guidance on Star Gazing: Government to set up Advisory Council for Astrologers?

Colombo, Sri Lanka - A special Advisory Council for Astrologers is to be established in the lead up to presidential elections to ensure “consistency” in astrological forecasts, claims a source from the Ministry of Indigenous Sciences speaking exclusively to Banyan News Reporters. The Ministry is expected to put forward a cabinet paper in the first week of January proposing the Advisory Council, which will play a supervisory role over all astrologers registered with the Ministry. “This is aimed at improving astrological predictions and to prevent citizens from being abused and misled by untrustworthy astrologers” claimed a source from the Ministry of Indigenous Sciences. “Some unpatriotic astrologers do not give predictions based on their astrological calculations and just say what they think will please their clients. This is unscientific, unscrupulous and a violation of established cosmological principles” added the source. The Advisory Council is expected to consist of seven leading astrologers who will oversee the readings of other astrologers. The Council will…

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Rajapakse: Now the most popular surname in Sri Lanka?

Colombo, Sri Lanka - Banyan News Reporters (BNR) learns from the Registrar of Names that a record number of people in Sri Lanka are requesting a change in their surnames. Over the last few months, the Registrar of Names notes that most of the applicants have requested to change their surname to Rajapakse, or to add it on as an additional surname. “This is unprecedented. Never in my thirty years at the department have we had so many applicants” confirmed Mr Satish Rajapakse, Director of the Applications Unit of the Registrar of Names. He noted that since the end of war, the number of applications increased exponentially. Mr. Rajapakse refused to discuss with BNR any details regarding the profile of the applicants. However, BNR learned through a highly-placed source at the Ministry of Defence, which is also monitoring this situation that the majority of these applicants are young male graduates. The source opined that these individuals may think a Rajapakse surname…

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The Australian and a sardonic cartoon

Australian

Picture courtesy of The Australian, 29th October 2009 The above picture was published in the satirical Nicholson cartoon gallery which features in The Australian. The issue of refugees has been covered extensively in both local and foreign media. At present, Australia has found it cumbersome in dealing with the increase in refugees that are attempting to seek asylum within the country. Groundviews would like to get the perspectives from its readers on what they gather from the cartoon. Repost This Article

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  • 20 Aug, 2009
  • 29 Comments
  • Colombo,
    Satire

The Beauty of Barbed Wire: Sri Lanka’s cutting edge exhibition

Barbed Wire that will be on exhibit

Colombo, Sri Lanka – Banyan News Reporters learns that Sri Lanka will hold the world’s first barbed wire exhibition for 180 days beginning 1st September  at the Bandaranaike Memorial Hall under the auspices of the Ministry of Human Rights Disaster Management. Titled ‘The Beauty of Barbed Wire’ the exhibition will showcase cultural uses and relevance of barded wire in Sri Lanka. “Barbed wire is such a misunderstood medium. This exhibition will demonstrate the multiple uses for barbed wire in Sri Lanka and the long-standing importance of barbed wire in Sri Lankan culture” says the curator of the exhibition, Katherine Gracious. The use of barbed wire as an aesthetic boundary is a principal focus of the exhibition. The gardens of the BMICH will also be used for this section of the exhibition with a number of leading garden designers and horticulturalists involved. “While the ‘Rose Barbed Garden’ will be an obvious favourite with the attendees, others such as the ‘Vegetable Coil…

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  • 13 Aug, 2009
  • 9 Comments
  • Colombo,
    Satire

Illicit drug abuse in Sri Lanka shows clear signs of worsening

Colombo, Sri Lanka – Banyan News Reporters learns that officials investigating wacky behaviour in a large number of Sri Lankans since May this year have uncovered disturbing evidence, indicating that a significant majority of the population have been acting under the influence of illicit drugs for many years. BNR spoke to Mr Upul Amarakoon, a community intervention officer working for the Alcohol and Drug Information Centre (ADIC) who had extensive experience in dealing with drug users. “To be honest, I thought I noticed peculiar behavioural patterns in the community for a while now!” he says. “I can’t exactly say for sure when I started, but what actually made me notice that something was wrong is the behaviour of foreigners who visited Sri Lanka”. For many years, officials from International Humanitarian Organisations have shown distinct symptoms of drug use after visiting Sri Lanka that they had not shown during or after their visits to other conflict areas in the world such…

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About Groundviews

Located at the Centre for Policy Alternatives in Colombo, Sri Lanka, Groundviews is a citizen journalism website that uses a range of genres and media to highlight critical perspectives on governance, reconciliation, human rights, the arts and literature, democracy and other issues. The site has won two international awards, including the prestigious Manthan Award South Asia in 2009. The grand jury's evaluation of the site noted, "What no media dares to report, Groundviews publicly exposes. It's a new age media for a new Sri Lanka... Free media at it's very best!"

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