Articles by Banyan News Reporters
Banyan News Reporters on Groundviews uses satire to raise awareness on and interrogate corruption, war crimes, impunity, censorship, civilian displacement, abductions, torture, extra-judicial killings, human rights violations, "national security" and humanitarian aid. To understand why satire is such a powerful expression and mechanism during violent conflict and severe media repression, read Bridging comedy and conscience.
Banyan News World Exclusive! Godavaya, Sri Lanka: 14 March 2009: Marine archaeologists have just discovered evidence of a large submerged landmass southeast of Sri Lanka. They believe it could be a legendary lost island closely linked to the culture and history of Sri Lankan people. The discovery was made by a team of Dutch and Sri Lankan scientists based on satellite maps and underwater sample extractions from the deep sea. Preliminary data need to be verified by a deep sea submersible expedition during 2009 – 2010, according to a member of the research team who did not want to be identified. The landmass is estimated to be between 450,000 and 475,000 square kilometres, which is about seven times the total land area of Sri Lanka. “This could well be the long lost island of Irisiyawa, which is euphemistically mentioned in our chronicles and hinted at in the writings of Greek historians,” said Dr Godwin Samarawickrama, a maritime historian at the…
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by Global Citizen for Banyan News Reporters Colombo, Sri Lanka: – Elite black tiger commando units of the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam (LTTE) carried out an attack last night on farmers who may or may not have produced the vegetables and eggs that caused 270 people including 202 students to be hospitalised for suspected food poisoning in Trincomalee yesterday. Leader of the LTTE’s political wing P Nadesan who himself was the victim of food poisoning from kottu roti told reporters that he will personally hunt down the bacteria responsible for the calamity, but the lack of VIM Dishwash bars in the no-fire zone was severely hampering his efforts. “Our organisation takes the battle against food poisoning and gluten intolerance very seriously” remarked Nadesan who is affectionately known as “Padasami Hari Gandeshwaran” by his associates in reference to his sensitive digestive system. Defence Secretary Mr. Goatspirit condemned the LTTE attack on innocent farmers claiming that there was no credible evidence…
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17 March 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: Tasty Chocolate Manufacturers Pvt Limited is being investigated for assisting the LTTE’s aerial attack on Colombo on February 20 according to sources within the security forces. More than ten bars of chocolate were found in the LTTE plane shot down over Katunayake while investigations are being carried out on the wreckage of the second plane which crashed into the Inland Revenue Building to prove that Tasty Chocolate was being carried in both planes. “That both pilots had Tasty Chocolate shows that the Company is aiding and abetting terrorism” a reliable source from the security division told Banyan Newswire, noting that “We believe the Company provided the LTTE with chocolate as a high energy substitute for the tastier but severely depleted BP-100 rations from the UN.” Banyan News did try to contact the Tasty Company but their number was engaged so we did not pursue this further as it is a pro-terrorist entity and we…
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by Global Citizen for Banyan News Reporters Colombo, Sri Lanka:Â Researchers at the Sri Lankan Ministry of Defence and their counterparts at the LTTE Humanitarian Research Institute at Puthukkudiyirippu (formerly based in Kilinochchi and which did not at any time have a hospital) have been competing for months to produce the most accurate calculation of the value of life. The Defence Ministry spokesman who leads the government research team revealed their preliminary findings several months ago through the Media Centre for National Security. Speaking to Journalists, he reported that eight soldiers had died in battle the previous day, when the actual body count of security forces personnel killed in battle was thirteen. He assured that according to his scientific calculator, the given numbers indicated the value of a soldier’s life was approximately 0.6153846153846. Based on these figures, he said that 36.92307692307 valiant soldiers laid down their lives for the motherland when their busses came under terrorist attack a couple of weeks…
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by a Special Foreign Correspondent for Banyan News Reporters London (February 21st) – Two Grammy Award winning paper planes of the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Ealam (LTTE) crashed in Colombo last night, killing two people and injuring 58 others according to our sources in Sri Lanka. The first plane exploded into the Inland Revenue Department building while the other one was reportedly shot down near Katunayake when its pilot’s identity was mistaken for a prominent journalist. Moments after the attack, the pro-LTTE web media quoted Alan Greenspillai, the finance secretary of the banned terrorist organisation, who claimed that their mission was to give Sri Lankan businesses a tax break. “We want to encourage small and medium businesses to reinvest their tax savings on capital infrastructure and productivity gains to boost to the lagging economy during these tough economic conditions” he said. The government defence spokesman pointed out that, with the tiger air-threat almost certainly entirely eliminated, citizens of Sri Lanka now have…
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by Global Citizen for Banyan News Reporters Colombo, Sri Lanka: Our sources revealed that the Sri Lankan government was admitted to the proctology ward of the General Hospital in Colombo late last week after it complained about acute abdominal dysfunction. Leading British proctologist, Doctor Des Browne was hurriedly pushed in to examine the Sri Lankan government even before the patient was consulted. Dr. Browne later told reporters that he was unable to examine the patient due to an abnormal tightening of its anal sphincter – a muscle controlled by the patient’s nervous system to keep out uninvited poking in inappropriate places. It is believed that the Sri Lankan government first reported these symptoms as it was trying to purge the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Ealam out of Sri Lanka’s digestive system. Local and foreign media nurses who have been poking around the patient’s anal sphincter have diagnosed that the most severe pains were reported in the appendix where close to a hundred thousand…
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by Global Citizen for Banyan News Reporters Colombo, Sri Lanka: With the drawn out military campaign against terrorism in its last phase, the Sri Lankan government has taken a decision to divert the country’s defence budget to fund science & technology, education and research. Economists point out that the move will power the Sri Lankan economy out of it’s recent set-backs and place Sri Lanka right at the centre of the world map – a position it had secured millions of years ago thanks to a geological phenomenon called ‘plate tectonics’. In its fresh forays into the world of high energy particle physics, the Sri Lankan military boxed up the LTTE in a 10km X 20km area in the country’s northern Vanni region. Their mission was to carry out a literal re-enactment of a thought experiment proposed by Erwin Schrödinger in 1935 that is widely known as “Schrödinger’s cat”. V Prabhakaran – the leader of the LTTE was chosen to…
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New meters will monitor ‘patriotic TV watching’ by citizens By Banyan News Reporters Colombo, 15 January 2009: The television remote controller poses a serious threat to the country’s national security, the government has determined. A new law will soon be introduced to register and regulate this electronic item. The ubiquitous gadget helps unpatriotic persons to change the channel when matters of national importance are being broadcast on state TV channels. This, in turn, deprives the government its rightful opportunity to address and inform all its citizens, security advisors have pointed out. There is also the possibility that terrorists or their sympathisers could use remote controller as a ‘weapon of mass distraction’, to keep citizens uninformed or misinformed about the government’s resounding military victories in the North. “As a responsible government firmly believing in our right to inform the people, we must ensure that every citizen is reached. At this turning point in our history, we cannot allow subversive technologies to…
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