16 April 2011, Colombo, Sri Lanka: Sri Lanka has in its history occasionally served as a refuge for persecuted personalities but it may have its most controversial refugee yet. Colonel Muammar Muhammad al-Gaddafi has reportedly secured an understanding with the Government to Sri Lanka to secure refuge in the country in the eventuality that he has to flee his native Libya. Sources from within the government confirmed that the offer was made to the Colonel in a telephone call recently following a number of losses by forces loyal to Colonel Gadaffi.

Our source clearly stated that the Sri Lankan Government stands firmly with the Government of Colonel Gadaffi and condemns the international intervention of the West, and will ensure its support to ensuring the stability of the Libyan Government. The offer of a refuge has only been offered as a “mark of friendship” between the two leaders confirmed the government source. President Mahinda Rajapakse and Colonel Gadaffi are known to have a close relationship and the President was the chief guest at the 40^thnational day celebrations in Tripoli. The Ministry of Arbitrary External Relations was unavailable to confirm or deny whether such an offer had been made.

The President’s home’s district of Hambantota has been proposed as a possible site stated the official source. Its desert like landscape and proximity to the sea are believed to be some of the key aesthetics vital for the Libyan leadership contemplating luxury exile. The source added that the site being proposed is the rarely used Mahin Cinema City location. First established in 2008 as a location for international filmmakers, it would be re-purposed to serve as a backdrop to exercise the exiled Colonel’s fanciful imagination, allowing him to stage riotous pro-democracy rallies that he could always thwart by selecting from a range of violent scripted scenarios, written in collaboration with leading figures from government supported local film industry. Trained Sri Lankan actors and stuntmen will also be provided the source said, assuring BNR that no harm would come to them or animals.

“The site can easily be converted to a palatial establishment with Arabian architecture. A film set designer has already been instructed to begin designing the spaces, which include secret torture chambers and even hidden bedrooms within bedrooms” added the source. “The Colonel lives in tents so it is not too complicated in design and construction terms, especially after the Government did such a magnificent job with the Mahinda Rajapakse International Stadium in Suriyaweva”. It is expected that in return for safe refuge, the Gaddafi family will invest significant amount of finances in the area to build statues and various other monuments modelled after the exiled leader and Lanka’s liege, for the betterment of the people.

BNR contacted the media office of the Barely United National Party (BUNP) for comment, but there were completely unaware of such a proposal. However, they were quick to add that,

“The Government’s collaboration with the unpopular Colonel Gadaffi will only increase the people’s discontent in Sri Lanka. It will lead to an Arab style revolt in Sri Lanka that we will lead from Lipton Circus after we figure out how to disable the CCTV cameras first. We are with the masses!”

As to whether the entire Gadaffi family will move to Sri Lanka if the regime does lose power and whether his immediate family will be provided positions of authority in the government’s investment and sports ministries is unclear. The source did however add that his son Saif Ghadaffi may sponsor a special undergraduate course at the Ruhunu University on strengthening civil society and democracy and even fly in senior academics of international repute, who were close friends of and supported by the family.

It is expected that Colonel Gadaffi will be accompanied by his all female bodyguard divisions, which has reportedly caused some excitement within government. “While there have been many inquiries, there are no plans to transfer any of them to local politicians” the official source added.

• Rajapakse: Now the most popular surname in Sri Lanka?
• Guidance on Star Gazing: Government to set up Advisory Council for Astrologers?
• Sri Lanka and the death of Muammar Gaddafi
• TASTY CHOCOLATE AIDING TERRORISTS
• A first hand perspective of Sri Lanka’s largest IDP camp: Are they really ‘our people’?

16 March 2011, Colombo, Sri Lanka: A press conference was held in Colombo earlier today to launch the latest fixture on Sri Lanka’s ever busier festival calendar. Organisers of The Boycott Festival issued a brief statement and then invited the press to enjoy the refreshments in the ballroom.

The Boycott Festival will take place over five days, beginning today and ending after a lunch banquet on Sunday. A full list of objections may be obtained by emailing endorsement@boycott.com. In their statement the festival organisers said they were angry and upset with what has taken place and continues to take place in our country. They admitted that worn down by the last six – and also the last thirty – years, they could no longer muster enthusiasm for anything and would really prefer not to. They were tired, they said, and couldn’t face the journey to the festival site. They would not be attending.

Director Karthika Peiris said ‘As ever, we send our best wishes for the failure of this effort’.

Meanwhile, protests against the festival began months ago and have grown to such proportions that there isn’t a hotel room now to be found in the festival city. Local business is booming, airlines are reporting record passenger numbers and the Government has issued a statement celebrating The Boycott Festival as a key success of its VindicateSriLanka2011 campaign. A group in Paris has today issued a list of celebrated thinkers who have never been to Sri Lanka and do not intend to visit.

Our reporters spoke to several Sri Lankans not attending the Festival:

• ‘It is shameful,’ said one 53 year old businessman, ‘the rice isn’t tempered properly and the tickets are far too expensive.’ He said he had originally intended to attend the Festival, and had drawn up a packed schedule for each day, but in the end had not been able to secure a hotel room. All of his friends had gone but none of them were enjoying it, he said.
• ‘The people don’t want this,’ said a 37 year old activist at her desk in Colombo. She had made a field visit to the festival city two years before, she said, and had very good sources there. ‘I don’t speak for myself, I speak for the people,’ she said.
• ‘We don’t want these foreigners coming here and organising festivals’ said one 32 year old man, also from Colombo. ‘Cricket is a colonial game,’ said his friend 34. These young men carried posters bearing the slogans ‘GO BACK TO YORKSHIRE!’ and ‘WE ARE NOT YOUR TEST MATCH SPECIAL, GEOFFREY’. A third friend, 19, added, ‘I can tell you for a fact these festivals are all the same. I have never gone to a single one’.

In an extended interview with Banyan News, Director Karthika Peiris laid out her vision for The Boycott Festival. She said it was a sum of many parts and a real team effort. Begun with a great measure of good faith it subsequently entered into a strong partnership with grief. Ms. Peiris spoke movingly of the way people had suffered in Sri Lanka and her desire to respond to these indignities. She said that although it could not do nearly enough, The Boycott Festival had at least given her a platform for promoting the values of bitterness, disbelief and despondency. She continues to work tirelessly for this cause which she hopes will ultimately achieve peace in Sri Lanka.

• GLF: A space for activists?
• Writing against the RSF/JDS appeal to boycott the Galle Literary Festival
• Responding to a facile appeal: Galle Literary Festival and the freedom of expression
• In the midst of the Adi Vel festival
• Web censorship in Sri Lanka: Documenting a growing trend

Sri Lankan cricket fans look for villains who (almost) ruined their national game

By Banyan News Reporters

The crisis may be over, but Sri Lankan cricket fans are still fervently debating who very nearly stole their most cherished cultural heritage: the island’s own version of the quaint English game of cricket.

They are trying to discern sinister motives behind the short-lived ban on all fun and merry-making at ICC World Cup cricket matches currently being played in Sri Lanka. The most ardent fans have even launched a nationwide search to identify the originators of ‘Dharmista Cricket’ — a heavily sanitised version of the game that was very nearly forced on 20 million cricket crazy fans.

“We are hugely relieved that diabolical attempts to ruin our cricket have been defeated,” said L B W Bolawardana, spokesman for Save Sri Lanka Cricket (SSLC), a people’s protest movement that sprang overnight via Facebook and Twitter.

“But we have to remain vigilant. We believe there are forces working to ruin the people’s game – the one thing that unites the whole of Sri Lanka no matter what,” Bolawardana added. The period from 18 to 21 February 2011 was probably the longest four days that Sri Lankan cricket fans have known.

On February 18, on the eve of the ICC Cricket World Cup 2011 tournament’s commencement, the Sri Lankan police chief threw a huge wet blanket over the entire island. He announced strict rules of conduct for all cricket fans watching the 12 matches to be played in Sri Lanka, which is co-hosting the World Cup along with Bangladesh and India.

The spoil-sport police chief prohibited a long list of items from being carried into the three World Cup venues in Sri Lanka: banners, placards, musical instruments, alcohol, glass bottles, fire crackers, laser lights, sharp instruments and knives.

These were excluded supposedly to ensure player and spectator safety. Meanwhile, carrying out a request from the International Cricket Council (ICC), the global ruling body for the game, professional photographic and video cameras were prohibited inside all venues.

Irate cricket fans reacted to this wet-blanket ban with loud protests. While some lobbied with Sri Lanka Cricket and the government for a change of heart, others organised an online petition.

Part of the petition read: “The whole point of a fan opting to attend the match instead of watching it at home on TV, where they can easily and more comfortably follow the game, is to experience the atmosphere and energy and share the sheer excitement of other fans firsthand, where there is noise, song, dance, street food and drink.”

The petition was scathing about the over-zealous police. “It is not the job of The Police to ban harmless fun and violate our fundamental rights… Instead of making their lot easier by disappointing the public they are supposed to serve, they should be doing a better job by being alert, coordinating, apprehending and ensuring justice in case something does go wrong.”

A national tragedy was finally avoided on February 22, when the Minister of Sports announced the unfair ban has been revoked.

“The match without bands is like going to a hotel without the most favourite dish,” the minister was quoted as saying. “I had a discussion with the Inspector General of Police, and we have removed the ban on bands and musical instruments.”

Earlier, Sri Lanka Cricket also dropped the ban on banners and placards. But Save Sri Lanka Cricket (SSLC) urged ‘eternal vigilance’ to ward off any future attempts to reintroduce what it called ‘Dharmista Cricket’.

‘Dharmista’ is a Sinhala term for pious or sanctimonious, used to describe actions of self-appointed guardians of (their narrow interpretation of) local culture and public morals.

Meanwhile, the heavily foreign-funded and completely unregulated the Sri Lanka Institute of Conspiracy Theories (SLICT) has solicited possible explanations for the short-lived attempts at ‘Dharmista Cricket’. It has already received a number of conspiracy theories, which have been leaked to Banyan News Reporters by an insider who loves spilling beans.

• ‘Dharmista Cricket’ was the latest attempt to undermine the Sri Lanka Cricket Team, which would have been energised by the good cheer and harmless merry-making of Sri Lanka fans during the home matches they play during the tournament. Those anti-Lanka elements who in the past resorted to name-calling, rule-throwing and other misdemeanours have somehow infiltrated into the highest echelons of Sri Lanka Cricket and Sri Lanka Police. How else can anyone explain papare bands being banned? This is part of the global conspiracy against everything Sri Lankan. Sadly, some traitors within are supporting these attempts wittingly or unwittingly.

• Current police chief Balasuriya, armed with his doctorate from Russia, is probably not Sri Lankan, which may explain why he does not share the Sri Lankan passion for cricket. He has either been switched at birth with a national without a single cricketing bone in his body (Azerbaijan to Zambia, make your pick!). Or better still, he is not human at all, but an alien in human form who has infiltrated the highest levels of our government (just as some disguised aliens are believed to be close to the top in the US government).

• The unfortunate coincidence of Cricket World Cup and the schools Big Match season had all the top Colombo and outstation schools rather worried. They just could not compete with the international ODIs, and feared that their faithful old boys (and even current boys) might stay away. So they hatched a plan: make the World Cup watching so dull that no self-respecting Sri Lankan male would want to turn up at those. Schools Big Matches saved!

• It is perhaps little known that papare bands originated from church festivities in Negombo. A group of Sinhala Oorumiyas, well informed about their proud history, wanted to cleanse the very Sinhala-Buddhist activity of cricket watching of any foreign influence. (They are not easily persuaded by purists pointing out that cricket itself is a very English game, introduced by British colonial rulers. Revisionist historian Dr Susan Agunathilaka, a co-founder of the Vidyartha Patriots’ Institute for Science and Society, V-PISS, claims cricket was modeled on an ancient ball game played in the East for at least a millennium before the first Englishman ever dreamed of it.)

Well, what do YOU think? Join the BNR competition to Save Sri Lanka Cricket while laughing all the way to….the next cricket match.

• The victory that never came: Photos from Colombo during Cricket World Cup Final
• A Day at the Cricket
• Amnesty Campaign: Some quick thoughts
• Misguided cultural policing in Sri Lanka: Where’s the morality amongst politicians?
• World Cup Cricket and Football: Nationalism in France and Sri Lanka

9 July 2010, Colombo, Sri Lanka: The leader of the National Fiefdom Front (NFF) Mrs Wimala Weerahansa continued her farce unto death in front of the Unverified Notions (UN) office near Bulls Road in Colombo yesterday – only God knows why. Large crowds were seen gathering at the scene and shouting insults at a Chinese man in a show of moral support of the Cabinet Minister. Mr. Saman Gonagama – a protester at the scene speaking exclusively to Banyan News Reporters said that he fully supported the minister in this brave, courageous, patriotic, wise, really productive and useful endeavour.

“We really hope she farce unto death” he added.

Some political observers in Colombo speculate that Mrs Weerahansa is waiting in line to advise the UN panel appointed by Secretary General Kim Ba Noon to advise him on what he can and cannot do.

Sources close to the farcical Engineering Services Minister claim however that she was protesting the screening of “Three Idiots” in Sri Lankan cinemas – which would expose atrocities committed by the Sri Lankan film industry over last three decades. “If that is allowed, producers of films like ‘Aiyage malli’, ‘Chandiyage nangiya’ and ‘One shot’ may have to face charges of committing crimes against humanity” a film critic who wished to remain annonymous told Banyan News Reporters. The Sri Lankan media which cited his neighbours fuelled rumours that Mrs Weerahansa may have fled from her home with bed and mattress, as a result of a domestic dispute with her husband.

Secretary General Kim Ba Noon however, “strongly” objected to Mrs Weerahansa’s presence at his Organisation’s office compound, which he accused, was hindering its “vital work” – investigating Unverified Notions about alleged war-crimes perpetrated during the latter stages of Sri Lanka’s war with the LTTE fifteen months ago. Speaking to reporters at the UN Headquarters in New York, Mr. Noon reiterated that investigating these unverified notions was an essential foundation for durable peace and reconciliation in Sri Lanka.

Sri Lanka’s Minister for Externalising Affairs argued in reply that it was nearly impossible to find a decent hair-dresser in Colombo who could make him not look ridiculous.

• Journalist Pakkiyanathan Vijayashanthan who went missing reported to Badulla Police station
• The protest by Wimal Weerawansa against the UN in Sri Lanka: Condoned by government?
• Statement by Chrishmal Warnasuriya, Bar Association of Sri Lanka on the Eighteenth Amendment
• TASTY CHOCOLATE AIDING TERRORISTS
• LTTE offers tax break to Sri Lankan businesses

18 May 2010: Colombo, Sri Lanka: The unusually heavy rain and storm activity over Sri Lanka during the past few days could be the result of another international conspiracy against the resurgent island, a citizens’ science group says.

“The timing and intensity of the inclement weather is too much of a coincidence, just when we were preparing to celebrate our armed forces’ great victory over the LTTE exactly one year ago,” said the Vidyartha Patriots’ Institute for Science and Society (VPISS).

They added: “We suspect that a foreign hand, possibly a western country, may have tampered with our seasonal rainfall patterns. We ask the government to investigate if this could be the case.”

While the south-west Monsoon rains are typically expected to commence in mid May over the western and southern areas of Sri Lanka, the intensity of the rain has surprised even experienced meteorologists. The Department of Meteorology said on 17 May that a storm was developing over Sri Lanka.

The Victory Day celebration scheduled to be held at Galle Face Colombo on 20 May has been postponed owing to the unfavourable weather conditions, the Media Centre for National Security announced on the same day.

Pre monsoon rain, triggered by a stormy conditions in the Bay of Bengal, wrought havoc yesterday in Colombo, Gampaha, Panadura,  Ratnapura and Galle. The news media reported it has displaced over 30,000 families while two people were reported dead and three others missing.

Meanwhile, the Disaster Management Centre (DMC) said that around 50,000 families in Colombo, 15,000 in Gampaha and 14,000 families in Kalutara were affected by the torrential rains that lashed through these areas for several hours on May 17.

A number of main streets in and around Colombo were flooded by accumulated rain waters, which overwhelmed the drainage systems. Parts of northern Colombo have been without electricity due to power distribution sub-stations being flooded.

Dr Anura Punchi-darshana, convenor of VPISS, urged all patriotic Sri Lankans to be alert and vigilant over sinister attempts to undermine the country’s attempts to rebuild the nation after the long-drawn conflict.

“We remember very well how so many vested interests and geopolitical agendas prolonged our anti-terrorist struggle,” Dr Punchi-darshana said. “These foreign elements don’t want to see Sri Lanka emerge as the next wonder of Asia. They will continue their unholy attempts to destabilize our island using whatever means. This could include unleashing rain-making forces that are long suspected to have been secretly developed by powerful western nations.”

Dr Susan Agunathilaka, a co-founder of VPISS, questioned the wisdom of relying on two annual monsoons for most of Sri Lanka’s rainfall and water resources.

In her view, the origins of the very word ‘monsoon’ should be grounds for concern. Monsoon comes from the Portuguese word monção, which was derived from Arabic mawsim (meaning “season”). Some say this was perhaps partly via early modern Dutch word monsun.

“From our history we know how the Arabs, Portuguese and Dutch have all interfered in the peaceful affairs of our island nation,” Dr Agunathilaka opined. “We should know better than to trust anything like the Monsoon that comes with so much of historical baggage!”

Dr Anura Punchi-darshana goes even further, and proposes that the government should decline the foreign interventionist weather forces called the Monsoon.

“We must stop relying on this foreign rain, and aspire to generate all the rain ourselves,” he urged. “We who hail from a long and proud hydraulic civilization can surely manage this much in the 21st Century!”

VPISS is a little known group that established a decade ago by a group of expatriate Sri Lankan scientists and engineers in New York. Some of its co-founders have since returned to Sri Lanka and offered their services to the government to rebuild the war-ravaged nation.

In June 2009, Banyan News exclusively reported how genetically modified (GM) mosquitoes may have been released in the Greater Colombo by an irate multinational pharmaceutical company that failed to win a health supply contract.

• Satellite View
• First images: The flooding in Menik Camp and the increasingly dire situation for IDPs
• Breaking news: Flooding and unrest again at Menik Farm?
• UPDATE: Google Map on Flood-affected areas in Sri Lanka
• Focus on Badulla: Landslides

21st January 2010, Colombo, Sri Lanka: The occult of warrior Mars and royal Jupiter on 26^th January will dominate the planetary motions in our heads, guts, backsides and wallets for the next six years. The official Banyan News astrologer Mr Ahasrahas analyses the implications of the above cosmic event to determine the extent to which we will get screwed in the next phase of this rather predictably catastrophic cosmoastropoliticosociomasochistical cycle.

The cosmic collision on the 26^th will have a profound effect on Aquarius and Cancer over the next six years. You survived the bloodshed and misery brought about by the Sun God who moved out of your fifth house last May and you may even have side-stepped a few landmines and escaped 81mm mortars in your time, thanks to your lucky stars. But the planets will continue to bring ‘mung-eta’ donated by Malaysia, ‘kadala-parippu’ donated by Canada and flour from the World Food Program for you to make vegetarian ‘kottu-roti’ until your villages are demined and your ailing bodies and broken spirits no longer pose a threat to the territorial integrity and national security of this Earthly paradise. Cancer can greatly improve their condition however by learning to walk in the direction their eyes are pointing.

Regardless of the outcome of next week’s cosmic showdown, it is likely that all the star signs will be ruled by Capricorn (a goat) or Taurus (a bull) for the next six years and be rooted deeper in conviction that they are victims of foreign government and INGO conspiracies.

The Gemini moon may tempt the holy custodians of the land with German cars and Scottish spirits. They will do well not to fall prey to such heathen conspiracies formulated to destroy the legacy of your two thousand five hundred year inheritance. However, limousines and booze will prove to provide adequate sustenance when the enlightened teachings and moral principles are betrayed. They will also help when there aren’t traitors or heretics left to bash up or any of their temples left to be torched.

The planets are constitutionally bound to line up at least every six years to pamper Aries and Cancer with promises of pay rises and tax-free vehicles, but thanks to a rare planetary sequence this year, they may even get a free, tax-payer funded meal in the first house of Jupiter! This bout of good fortune will not last for more than another week, so make the most of it even if it means you have to clap and whistle on queue like idiots at street rallies. Avoid rioting in the streets however, because all the Gods together will not be able to save you from the impulse and unbounded desire of opposing party members to disfigure or kill anyone wearing the wrong colour at the wrong time.

Those born into Taurus can continue to drive through the galaxy in their extravagant motorcades and enjoy their hefty perks regardless of the outcome of the Jupiter-Mars occult as long as they have the presence of mind and utter lack of principle to cross over to the right side at the right moment. Soon everyone will eventually realise that despite the astronomical number of stars and government ministers, there is no celestial or terrestrial body that is directly responsible for the current shortage of ‘bombai-motai’ in the market. However, the transition of Minor-Taurus Silva from Scorpio to Ur-anus may cause back-pains and groin injuries for many. Make offerings to the Gods beseeching them to keep him in the golden seventh house of the idiot box.

Battle weary Sagittarius may be confused about who their real boss is. Your ruling planet in the second house of dilemmas will lead to much confusion as your former boss will count on you to help him serve you as if you were his boss. His former boss who is your present boss’s boss (which kind of makes him your present boss) will come knocking on your door as if you were the boss and ask you to make him your boss. Try not to worry about who the real boss is, for the truth will reveal itself to you in another week.

Virgo will do well to stop bullying young undergraduates to boost their low self esteem and stay the hell away from politics until their mental age catches up with the chronological age. You’ve had everything given to you for ‘free’ all your life on the back of hardworking taxpayers, so it’s time to look for an alternative lifestyle instead of annoying the crap out of commuters in the morning and then picketing and crying for state jobs till dusk. Try, if you have heard of the process known as, ‘growing the hell up’!

The planets have been stirred ever since Libra dropped the sword which fell on Jupiter’s foot making him scream and kick the dog of envy which bit Saturn in his leg causing him to strike Libra’s scales tilting them on to one side sending hapless journalists to their graves and others to jail. The next six years will see Scorpio attempt to raise its tail once again while Leo goes through an identity crisis. The greatest challenge would come however from the swelling ranks of Aries who will continue to be exploited by all the planets and constellations until they submissively drive themselves into destitution.

• Robberies Increase In Jaffna
• Guidance on Star Gazing: Government to set up Advisory Council for Astrologers?
• Trail Sri Lanka: Celebrating the Sri Lankan spirit
• Oil, Coal, Gas and Carbon: Fundamental Truths From Indigenous Peoples
• Reaching out

10 January 2010, Colombo, Sri Lanka – The government in an emergency press briefing today, announced that it will take steps to overhaul the national security strategy of the island. The government defence spokesman, Minister Kokila Bathalahitawanna admitted that a post-war review of the defence plan had exposed glaring gaps in the national security strategy that needed urgent attention.

Military Spokesman Brigadier Rajarathna T Pakshadeemana detailing the changes, said that the first step would involve a radical change in the uniforms of all armed forces personnel. “We found that current military uniforms do not provide adequate protection or camouflage in areas where solders are most often deployed” he pointed out. “The role of the military in the post war context has changed dramatically, from jungle warfare against ruthless terrorists to a primarily urban environment” the military spokesman observed, adding that “they have now been issued with new camouflage kits that are better suited to this new environment”. He refused to explain what the new uniforms actually looked like, however noting that “the new uniforms of armed forces will provide them with adequate cover from the enemy in any city street that is overflowing with presidential campaign posters, cut-outs of men with moustaches, public funded hoardings for the incumbent and other piles of rotting garbage along city streets”. All military vehicles including olive green Armed Personnel Carriers (APC) as well as white Abducted Hostage Carriers (AHC) will be painted blue and red with a white lotus emblem in the front rear.

• Government and LTTE differ on value of life
• Sri Lankan Defence Ministry suddenly wakes up to its own propaganda
• Colombo: Under Siege?
• Travels in a Militarised Society — 2
• The abduction, assault, arrest and defamation of the Sudar Oli Editor: Questions for the Sri Lankan Government

Colombo, Sri Lanka - A special Advisory Council for Astrologers is to be established in the lead up to presidential elections to ensure “consistency” in astrological forecasts, claims a source from the Ministry of Indigenous Sciences speaking exclusively to Banyan News Reporters. The Ministry is expected to put forward a cabinet paper in the first week of January proposing the Advisory Council, which will play a supervisory role over all astrologers registered with the Ministry.

“This is aimed at improving astrological predictions and to prevent citizens from being abused and misled by untrustworthy astrologers” claimed a source from the Ministry of Indigenous Sciences. “Some unpatriotic astrologers do not give predictions based on their astrological calculations and just say what they think will please their clients. This is unscientific, unscrupulous and a violation of established cosmological principles” added the source.

The Advisory Council is expected to consist of seven leading astrologers who will oversee the readings of other astrologers. The Council will come up with a code of conduct for astrologers, similar in aim to the Hippocratic Oath. A special set of guidelines will be formulated for predictions on the fate of the country, political issues and the well-being of the President and his family. Astrologers are already required to register with the Ministry of Indigenous Sciences and under the proposed guidelines those engaged in political forecasts will have to apply for a separate registration. Furthermore, their forecasts will have to be forwarded to the Council for a review of accurate planetary alignments before it is submitted to a client.

“The Government is scared of the momentum which is favouring the Opposition in the coming elections” says leading member of Parliament Luvi Rathnayake. “The Government wants to prevent astrologers from forecasting an Opposition victory. This is a Government that first silenced the media, then NGOs, now they are coming for astrologers. Even this bogus registration of astrologers is a way of keeping tabs on the astrologers and our future.”

“The Government will appoint its stooges and ensure that the forecasts are favourable to it” Rathnayake went on to say. He pointed to the review of political forecasts by the Advisory Council members as a clear indication that the resulting readings will not be independent or astrologically accurate. “If at all this astrological Advisory Council should be brought under the Constitutional Council which the Government has failed to appoint in line with the 17^th Amendment” added Rathnayake.

Earlier this year, a leading astrologer predicted that in two years time the opposition leader would occupy the most powerful position in the Government. This forecast received much media coverage and the astrologer found himself called in for questioning by the Police who suspected that the planets had been aligned in a partisan manner for this partial reading. The astrologer under interrogation re-cast his astrological chart and found out that he had made a ‘mistake’ and noted that the opposition leader would actually lose all power within his own party.

The Secretary of the Ministry of Indigenous Sciences, Dr Wijeya Weerasinha refused to comment on the rumours of an Advisory Council, but did indicate that there is support for such a proposal within the Ministry. “As the fiasco over that tuppahi astrologer shows we do need to ensure some basic standards to protect the rights of our citizens. And the timing is right for such a council given that it is silly season for astrologers It is the President’s vision of a prosperous future that some of these astrologers try to defile.”

However, when contacted by BNR, the Minister for Indigenous Sciences, Michaelge Kumarage denied that there were any plans for an advisory body from within the Ministry and stated that there is no official move in such a direction. He went on to say that the Ministry had not discussed any proposal and no document had been forwarded to the cabinet for approval. He vehemently denied that the Government would engage in such initiatives.

BNR contacted leading astrologer Muhetigama Wijerama who is seen to be close to the Government for comment. He stated “many of patriotic astrologers are in firm support of such a proposal that will protect national security. Sri Lanka is facing an international conspiracy that is working with traitorous groups within the country against the Government. We all know that the astrologers are one of the most important sectors in Sri Lankan society and are a vulnerable group. Who knows the LTTE may have even paid off one or two astrologers. We must be vigilant. ”

Sudesi Mahindapala, another popular astrologer who has a show on Raja Television (RTV) refused to comment on the alleged proposal but voiced concerns about the pressures faced by astrologers, “Astrology is such a trying and exact science. It has never been tainted by partisan politics, patronage or perfidy. Shouldn’t we let the stars be our ultimate guides?”

A number of leading astrologers were consulted by BNR to forecast our prosperous future, but none of them wanted to be quoted in public. While most privately noted the precarious position facing Jupiter’s transition into a new house, BNR can safely say that the rumours of an Advisory Council has made most astrologers nervous about making predictions on subjects deemed controversial.

• TASTY CHOCOLATE AIDING TERRORISTS
• Refuge for Colonel Gadaffi in Island Paradise?
• Rajapakse: Now the most popular surname in Sri Lanka?
• Minister of what?????
• Sri Lankan Defence Ministry suddenly wakes up to its own propaganda

Colombo, Sri Lanka - Banyan News Reporters (BNR) learns from the Registrar of Names that a record number of people in Sri Lanka are requesting a change in their surnames. Over the last few months, the Registrar of Names notes that most of the applicants have requested to change their surname to Rajapakse, or to add it on as an additional surname.

“This is unprecedented. Never in my thirty years at the department have we had so many applicants” confirmed Mr Satish Rajapakse, Director of the Applications Unit of the Registrar of Names. He noted that since the end of war, the number of applications increased exponentially. Mr. Rajapakse refused to discuss with BNR any details regarding the profile of the applicants.

However, BNR learned through a highly-placed source at the Ministry of Defence, which is also monitoring this situation that the majority of these applicants are young male graduates. The source opined that these individuals may think a Rajapakse surname aids chances of securing better employment and also marriage prospects. He speculated that many of these graduates may end in the public sector following the Government’s announcement that 17,000 graduates will be provided State employment.

BNR contacted a variety of sources who all confirm that the Rajapakse name is seen as a passport to success. The National Human Rights Council has received a record number of complaints relating to transfers and extraordinary promotions in the State sector. An unofficial source, Ranil Rajapakse [not real name] stated that many of the complaints alleged that individuals with the Rajapakse name were given special preference. Other complaints allege that various boards in institutions such as schools and hospitals are requesting that existing officers be replaced by those with a Rajapakse surname. He also added that the NHRC had not made any decision on the complaints and were waiting for an indication from the Presidential Secretariat as to how to proceed.

“We must express our deep gratitude to the President Rajapakse and the Rajapakse brothers for winning the war” says Sangamithage Rajapakselage Thera. “He is our Dutugemmunu. We cannot do enough to thank our king. The royal family according to our 2,000 year old culture are due sovereign rights so we must grant them what they are due. They are a noble family so they must all be given positions of authority throughout the land, without the inconveniences of democracy and elections” the Thero stated. The thero also pointed out that the temple Sri Rajapakse Maha Viharaya has come to be closely associated with the President’s Family and that there are plans to build the largest stupa in the country in an adjoining piece of land, appropriated from a non-Rajapakse in the national interest.

BNR spoke to Colombo’s leading kapuwa, Kumaradasa Liyanage who stated that individuals with the Rajapakse name are in high demand.

“Usually foreign passport holders and highly qualified professionals are those most in demand. But now I have a lot of families asking if we can find a Rajapakse for their son or daughter.”  He refused to comment if he advises families to change their name to Rajapakse if the marriage prospects seem weak. He did, however note that with elections looming anyone with the Rajapakse name, regardless of dowry, employment, height, complexion and educational background could expect to secure a good match.

“The Rajapakse name is mark of success. Just turn to any page in my magazine and you can see it- they have the best parties and the best weddings!!! They are the most accomplished personalities!!!” pointed out the editor of leading social magazine Who!, Chamalie Ukwatte. “Frankly speaking, if I am judging a beauty contest, I would give more marks to a Rajapakse. That family has done so much for us, that’s the least we can do” she went on to say.

Though BNR approached the President’s office and the MoD for comment, unofficial sources told us that a response would take time since both institutions were currently engaged in a frantic efforts to identify unpatriotic miscreants attempting to portray themselves as Rajapakses and mislead the nation.

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Colombo, Sri Lanka – Banyan News Reporters learns that Sri Lanka will hold the world’s first barbed wire exhibition for 180 days beginning 1^st September  at the Bandaranaike Memorial Hall under the auspices of the Ministry of Human Rights Disaster Management. Titled ‘The Beauty of Barbed Wire’ the exhibition will showcase cultural uses and relevance of barded wire in Sri Lanka.

“Barbed wire is such a misunderstood medium. This exhibition will demonstrate the multiple uses for barbed wire in Sri Lanka and the long-standing importance of barbed wire in Sri Lankan culture” says the curator of the exhibition, Katherine Gracious.

The use of barbed wire as an aesthetic boundary is a principal focus of the exhibition. The gardens of the BMICH will also be used for this section of the exhibition with a number of leading garden designers and horticulturalists involved. “While the ‘Rose Barbed Garden’ will be an obvious favourite with the attendees, others such as the ‘Vegetable Coil Garden’ and the ‘Ayurvedic Hook Garden’ will also draw the crowds” said Ms. Gracious, when BNR met her in a tent framed by coils of razor wire that she said will serve as her office for the duration of the exhibition.

“As a Westerner my first reaction to barbed wire was to feel repelled by it. But having seen how it is used so simply and sensitively even in the displacement camps run by the Government, I can see how it makes Sri Lankans across the island feel comfortable and at home. We Westerners might see it as incarceration, but I now know that for Sri Lankans it is about their home and culture” pointed out Ms. Gracious. The exhibition will include a barbed wire poruwa.

According the official sources the exhibition is meant to be part of a public relations exercise by the Government to clear up misunderstandings and false allegations about the camps, including that the liberated people of the Vanni are being detained by the Government.

Barbed Wire that will be on exhibit

“There is a lot of misunderstanding about the use of barbed wire by outsiders, particularly people from the West” claims Deputy Minister for Human Rights Disaster Management, Dr. Rajpal Wijekoone. “The Western media try to claim that because the camps in Vavuniya use barbed wire, they are internment camps. You see, what they fail to realise is that barbed wire is in fact very much a part of Sri Lankan culture and is actually preferred to coconut or palmyrah fronds because of the ventilation and general unobtrusiveness. This is not something these so called independent media from the West understand. What do they know about our culture? This exhibition will reveal the truth. ”

Leading artists and university art students will also present sculptures made from barbed wire. A number of the commissioned works will feature a patriotic theme with representations of the military and the country’s leaders adorned with barbed wire.

“It will be cutting edge. Sri Lanka has always produced amazing art. But through this exhibition we will leave a mark on the world art map” says the Dean of the Art Faculty, Maithipala Somawansa.

Because of the scale of the exhibition, families will be separated at the entry gate to enable them to see the most amount of exhibits. Dr. Wijekoone stressed this is a novel aspect of the exhibition. “No one can accuse of trying to constrain the movement of patrons to the exhibition. We want the people to see as much as possible while there are in there” he went on to say.

Three leading artists from Israel, China and Iran are also expected to exhibit but officials are tight lipped as to their names and the individual pieces, which will be unveiled by the President on the first day of the exhibition.

BNR received unverified reports that one of the exhibits – a map of Sri Lanka done in barbed wire – has been pulled out of the exhibition due to Ministry officials’ concerns that it could misrepresent the country as an open prison.

The exhibition will have a technical side, demonstrating the various types of barbed wire available in the market and other varieties which will soon be available. “This is a very exciting development for the barbed wire sector” says leading barbed wire importer, David Fernando, Executive Director of David Parts & Company. “The Sri Lankan public will finally get to see various barbed wire that we see only in action films and on news clips of Guantanamo.”

“Sri Lanka could well become the largest consumer per capita of barbed wire internationally, so the key challenge is to remove restrictive taxes and allow the private sector to play a more dominant role” Mr. Fernando went on to say.

Currently Sri Lanka imports the bulk of its barbed wire from China and Pakistan. The reduction in duty levy for barbed wire from the current rate of 12.5% of cost would result in a wider cross section of the population having access to this multi-use material. The Ministry of Hardware Imports was unavailable for comment but a source from the Ministry of Construction Material Imports stated that this is a critical issue that the Minister concerned, M. Vadugodapitiya is keen to address during the course of the exhibition.

Official sources said that all necessary arrangements, including special bus services, refreshment stalls, temporary shelters, toilets and medical services will be available to ensure that members of the general public who visit this unique exhibition are well taken care of.

Over 260,000 are projected to visit the exhibition over 180 days, making this one of the world’s largest events on this nature.

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Banyan News Reporters was pleased to receive this patriotic open letter to the President of Sri Lanka from a group of concerned parents.

An open letter to President Mahinda Rajapaksa, Sri Lanka

28 July 2009

Your Excellency / Your Majesty,

We are a group of parents who address this letter to you after much thought and discussion. We want to bring to your all-encompassing attention a matter of utmost public interest that concerns current and future generations.

First and foremost, we deeply appreciate your personal interest in all matters: nothing seems too small to escape your attention, and nothing appears too large for your intervention. We especially salute your unprecedented and historic efforts to reassert Sri Lanka’s territorial integrity, national identity and cultural heritage. We know these gains were accomplished against so many international and national conspiracies.

We applaud your government’s ban on students taking mobile phones to all schools – may they be government, private or international. The mobile phone is yet another symbol of western consumerist lifestyle that easily corrupts the impressionable young minds of our sons and daughters.

We know how much you care. Soon after become President, Your Majesty saved our children from having to walk to school in the darkness as a result of your predecessor’s ill-advised change to our standard time. We are recently delighted to hear that your government will outlaw the production and exhibition of all movies that are categorised as ‘Adults Only’. We are equally encouraged by another news item saying that your telecom regulator is currently working overtime to block out all pornographic content from websites.

We know that you and your Cabinet of Ministers have our children’s best interests at heart in making such decisions. This is why we would like to bring to your attention the need to strictly regulate, perhaps even restrict or ban, another widely used item that poses a grave social and cultural harm to our people, young and old.

This item is decidedly low tech, ubiquitous and apparently non-threatening. (Beware: looks can be deceptive.) It is relatively cheap (costing no more than a few hundred rupees), and does not require any electricity to operate. It is compact, durable, easy to carry around (and conceal) and, until recently, people even used to send it by post (that is, before postmen became too fond of these items). It is being carried through security check-points raising no suspicions or questions. Yet, it is one of the most dangerous inventions of the western civilization, now in free circulation in Sri Lanka.

There is a whole industry engaged in the manufacture and distribution of this product. Possibly under their commercial influence, successive governments have invested billions of rupees of public funds in promoting this item among Sri Lankans. Little attention has been paid to the dangers to our national security, cultural heritage and independence of thought.

By now, Your Majesty might have guessed what this dangerous and pervasive item is: we are referring to the printed book.

Indeed, more than anything else in our contemporary culture, this item is responsible for the negative influences of our younger generation (and, indeed, of people from all walks of life). Over the past century or so, these have quietly but effectively spread many subversive political thoughts, including anti-establishment sentiments, among our people. They have also peddled morally degrading concepts of romance, sex and questionable (or abnormal) behaviour patterns such as secularism, human rights and democracy.

The paper-based book is as alien to our island heritage as all other western communications tools and products. If we look back at the over 2,500 years of our glorious civilization, we can see that we managed quite well without printed books for much of that period. Our ancient kings published rock inscriptions, while our scholar monks stored knowledge on ola leaves. It was the Dutch colonialists who introduced Gutenberg-style printing and book publishing to our land about three centuries ago. (Of course, they had a sinister agenda in doing so: they wanted to undermine and destroy our local culture and Buddhist heritage. That is why, not surprisingly, the first books to be printed in Sri Lanka were all various versions of the Bible.)

While the Chinese first invented the concept of printing many centuries before Gutenberg, their rulers carefully controlled who was allowed to print, distribute and use books. The Chinese were smart enough to realise the corrupting influence of allowing free flow of books and ideas. We think that ancient Chinese wisdom holds a lesson in public policy for Your Majesty’s government.

Since our political independence over 60 years ago, western aid donors and United Nations agencies such as UNESCO have aggressively lobbied for the promotion of the western notions of book development as part of our policies on education and culture. Our acquiescent governments uncritically accepted these policies, as a result of which this country is teeming with far more books and other printed publications than is necessary or desirable for a population of our size.

It is only a few vigilant and patriotic Sri Lankans who have realized the danger of this ceaseless proliferation of books, publishers, bookstores, libraries and the book reading habit. In a rare (and perhaps unguarded) admission for a western academic, the Swedish economist and Nobel laureate Gunnar Myrdal once remarked: “Books are like time bombs. If the ideas contained in them are of value, they will explode one day. It is hard to predict when that will happen.”

Need we say any more? We are sure Your Majesty, having defeated the most ruthless terrorist group in the world, would not wish to have to deal with more time bombs going off anywhere in Sri Lanka. Our country’s hard-won peace must be safeguarded at all costs. Some sacrifices will need to be made for the greater good.

For all these reasons, we appeal to Your Majesty’s visionary and courageous government to strictly control and regulate the writing, printing, publishing, selling and reading of books. To safeguard our impressionable and easily corruptible sons and daughters, we request your Ministry of Education and Ministry of Culture to compile a list of book titles that are deemed as acceptable and permitted for Sri Lankans under 18 years of age to read. By definition, we hope it would soon become illegal for our children and youth to possess, share, carry or read any other book that is not explicitly sanctioned and listed by the state. We as parents will do our part to ensure that our children comply and obey.

If Your Majesty’s government so wishes, it may also draw up an approved list of books for the entire population. We are sure the literate and widely-read Members of Parliament and senior government officials can jointly come up with such a list. If anyone objects to this essential safeguard, we can consider them to be traitors who do not like our motherland to raise its head after centuries of foreign domination.

We thank Your Majesty for your time reading and reflecting on the contents of this letter. We eagerly await a right royal decree that finally ends our three centuries of addiction to printed books.

Yours truly and humbly,

A group of grateful, patriotic parents

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31 May 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: Genetically modified (GM) mosquitoes may have been released in the Greater Colombo area this year and can wreak havoc on public health, scientists and activists warn.

These mosquitoes are larger in size, and far more resistant to insecticides and other repellents. “They will not be deterred by mosquito spray or coils – in fact, these methods will have no effect on these new breeds,” a top entomologist, who did not wish to be named, said.

It was not immediately clear as to what species of mosquito has been genetically modified to make them withstand eradication measures. This news comes in the wake of a losing battle that local governments and health authorities have been waging against mosquito-borne diseases in recent years. In particular, the number of dengue hemorrhagic fever (DHF) cases has been on the rise, with a particular increase during monsoonal periods from May to September each year.

Many residents in Kotte, Battaramulla, Piliyandala and Wattala have reported the appearance of extra-large mosquitoes in recent weeks. “I have been amazed at how large they are,” said one concerned housewife in Jayanthipura, Battaramulla. “I have never seen such large mosquitoes in my life.”

Environmental groups, meanwhile, allege that the GM mosquitoes were released by a multinational drug company that failed to win a multi-million dollar contract from the government of Sri Lanka.

Independent health professionals urged that the matter be investigated immediately. Dr Madhura Rathuvitarana, a retired director general of health and former researcher on mosquito-borne diseases, said that this could be a turning point in our continuing war against the mosquito menace. “We were already losing the battle with ordinary mosquitoes, and running out of effective drugs and insecticides. If the GM mosquitoes are stronger than other species, the situation is going to be very grim indeed.”

The Green Hornets, an environmental investigative organisation, claimed yesterday that the release of GM mosquitoes was done by a leading multinational company engaged in the pharmaceutical business. The company had for years been supplying anti-malarial drugs and mosquito spray to the Ministry of Health and Nutrition. The contract, running into several million dollars, was a drain on Sri Lanka’s scarce public health funds since the drugs were increasingly ineffective as the disease-causing parasites developed resistance.

“Our information is that this company wanted this contract to continue, and were outraged when the Ministry stopped it,” said environmental activist Kumar Anthranam. “At the last meeting held in February, company officials had stormed out of the Ministry when their demands were not met. It looks like they have now struck back, unleashing the GM mosquito to ‘punish’ all of us!”

The Ministry of Health declined to comment on the specific dealings with any of its suppliers, but confirmed that a major anti-malaria contract continuing from the 1990s was not extended for 2009.

“At this point, we simply cannot comment on reports about GM mosquitoes,” a health ministry source said on the condition of anonymity. “We will soon appoint an expert committee to look into the matter. Due procedures have to be followed.”

For years, American and Swiss pharmaceutical companies have been researching into genetically modifying both the disease causing parasites as well as their vectors. In 2007, researchers at the Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland, reported that they had genetically engineered a mosquito that was resistant to the single-celled malaria parasites called Plasmodium. It was a hailed as a breakthrough in humanity’s struggle against the ancient disease.

“If they could tinker with some genes in mosquitoes, they can probably tinker with any genes in mosquitoes,” speculated Dr Rathuvitarana, urging health authorities to take this risk seriously.

Meanwhile, the Green Hornets called upon the Ministry of Health to reveal to the public the full and exact dealings with the said multinational company, and the threats the company officials are alleged to have made.

“This is a matter of great public importance, and people’s lives are at risk,” the statement said. It added: “In this instance, we commend the Ministry of Health for taking the right decision and for standing by its decision in spite of threats of reprisals by the supplier company. These western conspirators now need to be exposed.”

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12 May 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: The International Community is expressing its concern over the deaths of thousands of civilians including at least one hundred children who are caught between the crossfire as fighting raged between the Sri Lankan Armed Forces and the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam (LTTE) an internationally proscribed terrorist outfit. In light of the recent developments in the tiny island off the southern tip of India, a recent survey conducted by CNN on whether the International Community should intervene in the conflict has produced an inconclusive and convoluted set of results.

A Brazilian farmer whose coffee beans where brewed at the recent UN security council meeting told CNN that the International Community should intervene to limit Sri Lanka’s Tea exports while in the neighbouring Caribbean island of Jamaika, polers reported that the sky had turned a deep purplish blue and mumbled incomprehensibly.

Further north, a member of the International Community running working for Lockheed Martin in New Mexico, United States said that the International Community should definitely intervene in Sri Lanka to find out whether any of the warring parties have been disadvantaged by the US policy of not providing weapons to Sri Lanka. He emphasised that the use of more sophisticated weapons and munitions instead of the cheep Chinese built weapons and old Soviet machinery being used in the conflict, could minimise collateral damage and arming the civilians is the best way to reduce civilian casualties under the circumstances.

Another member of the International Community in Zambia who was happy that he had outlived the average life expectancy in the country of 38.59 years by a full year and 43 days, thus living as long as any Zimbabwean (other than Robert Mugabe) is expected to live, said he would give moral support to any intervention in Sri Lanka but declined to come himself.

Australians unanimously voted in favour of an International intervention to prevent Muththiah Muralidharan from playing international Cricket, while citizens in Madagascar and Timbuktu remained apathetic.

Members of the International Community in Burma were not allowed by its Military Junta to participate in the poll while citizens of Libya and Iran were strongly encouraged by their governments to vote against any intervention by the International Community in the affairs of a sovereign state.

Members of the International Community in Sri Lanka were themselves undecided about the need for Intervention over civilian deaths. The growing consensus among excise and health officials was that the sale of illicit liquor and the butchering of animals over the Wesak holiday period was a bigger concern.

Nearly a billion members of the International Community were unable to respond to the survey because they were illiterate while another 1.6 billion people did get to know about the survey because they did not have electricity. Tens of thousands of members of the International Community around the world, including over thirty thousand children under the age of 5, died of starvation soon after responding to the survey within the last 24 hours.

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27 April 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: The government is considering a proposal to usher in a new ‘barefoot revolution’ in Sri Lanka as part of its philosophy to revive ancient Sinhala traditions.

This will see the systematic phasing out of footwear use in all government offices, and other places where politicians and officials are present. The practice will be first introduced in Parliament, as well as offices of the President and Prime Minister, and later extended to cover all government offices.

“Wearing shoes and slippers is a recent habit introduced to our people by western colonialists,” says Emeritus Professor Amaradasa Gunasekera, originator of the idea. “The ancient Sinhalese knew that we living in a tropical country do not need to cover our feet. In our current quest to revitalise indigenous knowledge and traditional Sinhala Buddhist culture, we want to restore this excellent practice.”

Professor Gunasekera, who is Presidential Advisor (No 223) for reviving ancient traditions, has drafted a policy paper on transforming Sri Lanka’s public sector into a ‘barefoot zone’. When introduced, this will require visitors to all public places in local, provincial and central governments to remove their footwear and leave them in a secure place at the entrance.

“We don’t anticipate a problem in public cooperation,” says Professor Gunasekera. “After all, we all do it willingly when entering temples and kovils. So why not extend this good practice to our ‘temples of public service’?”

He was emphatic that this should not be seen as a ban. “Bans are another decadent concept of the crumbling west. We in the east do everything voluntarily through enlightened public consensus. Barefoot Nation will be introduced on this basis.”

Asked whether public officials themselves will be allowed to move around inside their offices with footwear, he said the matter was still under discussion. “We have to tread carefully on this one,” he said, intending no pun. “We don’t want any retrogressive public official petitioning Supreme Court on his fundamental rights being violated.”

Creating barefoot public offices is to be the first step in transforming Sri Lanka into a fully-fledged barefoot nation under the prevailing chinthana. The Health Ministry is to send a top level delegation of officials to study China’s barefoot doctors programme, with a view to emulating it here.

Meanwhile, a defence ministry source denied that this new national policy had anything to do with fears of disgruntled members of the public throwing shoes, sandals or slippers at politicians or senior officials.

“This is a malicious rumour, possibly started by the opposition or a subversive journalist,” the official said on the condition of anonymity. “Our dear leaders are held in such high esteem by the adoring public and there is no threat of any offensive behaviour.”

India’s politicians contesting in the general election, fearful of shoes hurled at them by disgruntled voters, have asked for more security and are erecting metal nets at rallies. An angry party worker threw a slipper at Lal Krishna Advani, the Bharatiya Janata Party’s (BJP) prime ministerial candidate, during an election meeting last week. The slipper missed Advani, but was enough for authorities to step up security for all leaders across the country.

The incident was the latest episode of shoe-throwing as a protest against political leaders, including former US President George W. Bush when visiting Iraq, and Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao during a lecture at Cambridge University, UK. Throwing a shoe at someone is considered an extreme insult in many cultures.

The multi-million rupee ‘Barefoot Lanka’ campaign, to be handled by the 123Ads company, is to use the famous Nanda Malini song, ‘Miriwedi sangalak illa henduwemi’. It refers to the absurdity of craving for footwear when some people have no feet to wear any.

“We are a nation with a very large number of valiant soldiers and innocent civilians who have lost one or both limbs from landmine explosions. Phasing out footwear use will also make us sensitive about their plight,” said Professor Gunasekera. Anyone opposing this campaign would have to be considered a traitor, he added.

It is not clear whether the boutique shop currently known as Barefoot would be asked to change its name. “If you ask me, we can’t have a handful of elites standing in the way of national progress,” Professor Gunasekera said.

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20 April 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: Special security camps, called ‘Government Comfort Centres’ are to be established in order to improve security for Government MPs, according to sources in the Defence sector. Due to fears of LTTE attacks in the coming weeks the Government ordered that all its Members of Parliament will be housed in these centres.

“The Government Comfort Centres are perfectly suited for defensive purposes with no access for outsiders and minimal movement out of these centres for residents” added the defence spokesperson in an exclusive interview with Banyan News Service. According to the plans titled ‘Responsibility to Protect Members of Parliament (R2P MP)’ dated April 2009, the centres will be constructed in three adjoining plots of land which will house approximately 109 Members of Parliament, their spouses, dependents, relatives and apparatchiks, estimated to be just over 1,000 persons.

The GCCs under R2P MP plans aim to create a secure and comfortable living environment, free from the constant scrutiny of paparazzi from free media as well. Double razor wire fencing offering excellent views of surrounding areas and adequate ventilation, security centres outside and inside the centres, landmines placed outside the perimeter to protect the residents, strict curfew hours and a security clamp down in adjoining areas, with shoot on sight orders, will protect MPs at risk of terror attacks.

“These centres are completely self sufficient and extremely comfortable. MPs will have no reason to travel outside at all” commented the defence spokesperson, showing detailed plans drawings of the proposed sites. The centres will have Internet cafes, schools and pre-schools, a gym, pool, a cinema, a hospital, a supermarket and a Sunday pola. “Members of the armed forces in civilian clothes will serve in all facilities and provide security. The MPs won’t even realise how well they are being guarded and overseen.” Banyan News Reports learns that the welfare camps in Vavuniya for the Vanni IDPs are the model for the Comfort Centres, combining the best in security and comfort.

“This is the best way to ensure safety for our MPs. We must all cooperate in the war efforts” commented Chief Government whip M.P. Deshapremi Patchagulisekera welcoming the measure. Patchagulisekera stated that all government MPs were in “complete agreement” with the proposed measure and that signed letters to this effect from all MPs were with the President already. He also noted that the Government was in conversation with the Speaker of Parliament as to how the MPs will be able to participate in parliament proceedings via satellite link up. Unfortunately, all government MPs that Banyan News Service contacted were unavailable for comment as all their phones were disconnected.

The main opposition party, the Barely United Party, criticised the plan claiming that it is a crack down on democracy. “The Government is afraid of MP’s crossing over to the opposition. That is why they are being shut up and interned in a concentration camp” claimed BUP front bencher Hemadaama Parajaweera. “We condemn this step by the Government as being undemocratic. These MPs are being illegally detained.”

A press release of the constituent party of the governing alliance, the Maoist-Stalinist Front (MSF) has condemned the BUP statement saying that the BUP “is always opposing for the sake of opposing” and that the statement “did not highlight the positive aspects of the plan.” However, when contacted, the MSF spokesperson denied that an official statement had been issued and that the party is investigating how a statement was issued on their letter head without politburo approval. “Always this is happening” was the only comment to BNR by MSF front bencher Vasideva Kondapanane.

The diplomatic community has yet to put out an official response to the Government’s plans but the United Nations has responded to the proposal stating that it is “cautiously optimistic”. When contacted by BNR, the head of humanitarian relief at the UN recommended a series of “parliamentary pauses” to ensure that MPs at risk could move to and be sheltered in the GCC. The statement also added that while the UN will not be directly involved in the establishment of the centres, it hopes to be able to access and engage with all the actors residing in them.

According to sources in the defence sector, a plot of land has already been identified in Embilipitiya and is being cleared. Rumours of hand grenades lobbed into the residences of MPs to encourage them to move to the GCCs were flatly denied by defence sources.

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Banyan News World Exclusive!

Godavaya, Sri Lanka: 14 March 2009: Marine archaeologists have just discovered evidence of a large submerged landmass southeast of Sri Lanka. They believe it could be a legendary lost island closely linked to the culture and history of Sri Lankan people.

The discovery was made by a team of Dutch and Sri Lankan scientists based on satellite maps and underwater sample extractions from the deep sea. Preliminary data need to be verified by a deep sea submersible expedition during 2009 – 2010, according to a member of the research team who did not want to be identified.

The landmass is estimated to be between 450,000 and 475,000 square kilometres, which is about seven times the total land area of Sri Lanka.

“This could well be the long lost island of Irisiyawa, which is euphemistically mentioned in our chronicles and hinted at in the writings of Greek historians,” said Dr Godwin Samarawickrama, a maritime historian at the Indian Ocean Institute based in Melacca, Malaysia.

He added: “The existence of such an island has been speculated and talked in hush-hush terms among divers and archaeologists for decades. This is the Indian Ocean’s own version of Atlantis!”

Irisiyawa’s existence is first mentioned in the Sri Lankan chronicle of Culavamsa. Sinhalese Sandesa (message poem) writers in the 14th to 16th centuries often refer to the enormous psychological effect by sunken Irisiyawa on royal families, aristocracy and ordinary people. Some say the legacy of Irisiyawa has continued well into the twenty first century.

Other experts are more sceptical, and point out long-standing speculations about Kumari Kandam, a legendary sunken landmass said to have been located to the south of present-day Kanyakumari District at the southern tip of India. Some also call it Lemuria, a continent that existed in ancient times and sank beneath the ocean as a result of a geological, often cataclysmic, change. There is no scientific evidence to support these claims.

“Sri Lanka must quickly assert its historical and territorial claims over the newly discovered sunken island,” said Gajaba Vidyadheera, a senior lecturer in history at the University of Peradeniya. “If not, other countries and cultures can stake their own claims, leading to disputes and even international litigation.”

But the marine archaeology team who made the discovery advise caution. “We need much more evidence before even considering any claims, and historical and cultural speculation could only muddy the deep waters,” said a Dutch member of the team, none of who would make any statement on the record.

In recent years, much evidence has been found of maritime activity in and off the southern coast of Sri Lanka. In late 2008, an underwater search of the seas around Godavaya, Hambantota district, carried out by the Central Cultural Fund, revealed the wreck of a ship, possibly dating back to the 1st Century AD. If confirmed, this could be the oldest shipwreck in the Indian Ocean.

Sri Lanka with its 65,610 square kilometres is currently ranked at No 121 out of 231 countries and territories according to their land area. If the estimated landmass of submerged Irisiyawa is added, this would immediately boost Sri Lanka’s ranking to around 50, comparable to that of Thailand with 513,120 sq km.

The archipelago nation of Maldives, which lies to the southwest of Sri Lanka, has only 298 sq km and ranks No 201, the smallest country in Asia.

Atlantis is a legendary island mentioned by Greek philosopher Plato. While no hard evidence for its existence has yet been found, it has fascinated many historians, writers and explorers for centuries.

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by Global Citizen for Banyan News Reporters

Colombo, Sri Lanka: – Elite black tiger commando units of the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam (LTTE) carried out an attack last night on farmers who may or may not have produced the vegetables and eggs that caused 270 people including 202 students to be hospitalised for suspected food poisoning in Trincomalee yesterday.

Leader of the LTTE’s political wing P Nadesan who himself was the victim of food poisoning from kottu roti told reporters that he will personally hunt down the bacteria responsible for the calamity, but the lack of VIM Dishwash bars in the no-fire zone was severely hampering his efforts. “Our organisation takes the battle against food poisoning and gluten intolerance very seriously” remarked Nadesan who is affectionately known as “Padasami Hari Gandeshwaran” by his associates in reference to his sensitive digestive system.

Defence Secretary Mr. Goatspirit condemned the LTTE attack on innocent farmers claiming that there was no credible evidence that they were responsible for the food poisoning. “We are a democratically elected government” he explained, adding that “You can’t kill people when there is no evidence of any involvement in criminal activity. As a democratically elected government, we will abduct anyone we suspect of causing the food poisoning and remand them indefinitely under the “Prevention of Food Poisoning and Propagation of State Terrorism Act”.

President Rajapakse who was severely distressed by the event, urged all patriotic Sri Lankans to contribute generously to rebuild a railway line so that the government will be able to transport varieties of ‘malu banis’, ‘seeni banis’, ‘kimbula banis’, ‘gal banis’ and ‘nikang banis’ to the war torn northern regions of the country. The President also donated his entire March salary to the project commenting that the flow of ‘malu banis’ to the North will show the world that his government is committed to safeguard the newly won freedom in the North by our heroic soldiers”.

Without this month’s salary, the President is expected to ask for an IMF bailout to balance his budget and meet balance of payments obligations to ‘Paradise cakes’ this month, failing which he will have no alternative but to dip into his retirement savings or start “Helping Hambantota” again to survive.

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• Government and LTTE differ on value of life

17 March 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: Tasty Chocolate Manufacturers Pvt Limited is being investigated for assisting the LTTE’s aerial attack on Colombo on February 20 according to sources within the security forces. More than ten bars of chocolate were found in the LTTE plane shot down over Katunayake while investigations are being carried out on the wreckage of the second plane which crashed into the Inland Revenue Building to prove that Tasty Chocolate was being carried in both planes.

“That both pilots had Tasty Chocolate shows that the Company is aiding and abetting terrorism” a reliable source from the security division told Banyan Newswire, noting that “We believe the Company provided the LTTE with chocolate as a high energy substitute for the tastier but severely depleted BP-100 rations from the UN.”

Banyan News did try to contact the Tasty Company but their number was engaged so we did not pursue this further as it is a pro-terrorist entity and we are a patriotic news service.

A source from the Ministry of Processed Foods under which confectionary companies fall noted that Tasty Chocolate Company was a legitimate chocolate manufacturer but there had been questions raised over the popularity of its chocolates in the East, prompting investigations into its ingredients for trace elements of cyanide or anthrax.

The source at the Ministry added that there had been no unjustifiable ties between the Minister for Processed Food, Mr. Tilak Peiris and the company. He stated that there is no evidence that Mr Peiris’s youngest daughter’s 18th birthday was sponsored by Tasty Chocolate. “They just gave the Minister lots of chocolates. But we know the Minister is occasionally diabetic and not easily influenced. We don’t think he even ate a single bar.”

News of the investigations sent shock waves among other confectionary companies. “All that is required is for one bad apple and then it’s very difficult to sell the barrel” stated the CEO of a leading chocolate and biscuit company who did not wish to be identified. “We will all be under watch now” he added. Directors of other leading confectionary companies would not comment on the story but informed Banyan News that their patriotism is clearly seen in all their products.  Some, they said had the Sri Lankan flag on the wrapper and others were shaped like guns, aimed at developing national fervor among children.

“It is time for all chocolates to be patriotic” said newly appointed Minister for Sweet Snacks, Mithapala Joseph saying that “This attempt to brain wash innocent children and susceptible adults through chocolates needs to be condemned. Terrorism takes various forms. We need to be vigilant against all infiltrating substances, especially darker chocolates”.

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by Global Citizen for Banyan News Reporters

Colombo, Sri Lanka: Researchers at the Sri Lankan Ministry of Defence and their counterparts at the LTTE Humanitarian Research Institute at Puthukkudiyirippu (formerly based in Kilinochchi and which did not at any time have a hospital) have been competing for months to produce the most accurate calculation of the value of life.

The Defence Ministry spokesman who leads the government research team revealed their preliminary findings several months ago through the Media Centre for National Security. Speaking to Journalists, he reported that eight soldiers had died in battle the previous day, when the actual body count of security forces personnel killed in battle was thirteen. He assured that according to his scientific calculator, the given numbers indicated the value of a soldier’s life was approximately 0.6153846153846. Based on these figures, he said that 36.92307692307 valiant soldiers laid down their lives for the motherland when their busses came under terrorist attack a couple of weeks ago.

When BNR contacted mathematicians at the LTTE Humanitarian Research Institute, they rejected these figures as ‘laughable’. They claimed to have adopted more accurate methods which have enabled their organisation carry out hundreds of suicide bombings and still manage to balance their accounts at the end of every humanitarian year.

Analysts believe that the LTTE uses sophisticated equations where the value of life is believed to be:

(a) directly proportional to the number of civilians they hide behind

(b) inversely proportional to the number of white hairs in their leader’s moustache

BNR learns that progress is being made at a heightened pace of late in and around Puthukkudiyirippu towards the harmonisation of the GoSL’s and LTTE’s varying value of life calculations by civilians who are killing and dismembering themselves in the name of pure mathematics. 

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