Groundviews

Wake up and go to sleep: The tale of the two tweeterings

Photo courtesy Al Jazeera

On the Sunday I am suddenly getting up early in the morning. I am getting the tweetering. I am big fan of the tweetering because it is always reminding me of the birds and I am also very much into the birds. But the Sunday morning tweetering is not coming from bird. It is coming straight from the most venerable and completely blameless Gnanasara. A holy tweet.

‘Ado!’ the tweetering is saying. ‘Wake up! Come to the Aluthgama side to be saving the nation!’

I am getting a little bit on the upset side because I am thinking the nation is already totally and completely saved by our Majesty after the defeat of the most cruel and despicable Prabhakaran. But then I am also knowing that in the new nation Our Majesty is creating it is not necessary for us to be thinking anything. Already the most worthy Ganansara is doing the thinking and I am only required to be following. I am also knowing that if I am not following the unbelievably glorious Ganansara will be invading my house with the patriotics and threatening to be making me dress like the Islamic. So I am running all the way to the Aluthgama side not even waiting to be taking the tea the wife is putting inside the flask.

In the Aluthgama side I am seeing that the venerable one is already there, surrounded by a vene-rabble of the common people, some so common that they are almost walking on all their four legs. And the holy one is thundering. ‘Ado why?” He is asking, ‘Ado why we are saving the country from Tamils? To give to the Islamics? No! This land is ours and it is completely and totally ours ours only!”.

There is one little man standing next to me looking very worried and he is asking very softly-like: ‘I am wondering, when the glorious one is saying ours, is he meaning that the country is now belonging to us the common people or the great and powerful Bodu Bala Sena?’ I am looking at him very suspicious-like and saying, ‘foolish man, why are you not listening. Why you are wondering? Do not be thinking and tiring up your brain. Just be listening and following. The venerable one is knowing everything. Nothing for us to be wondering about. If you are continuing to be wondering and asking these questions I am likely to be having the suspicions that you are nothing but the Islamic in the Buddhists clothing’. The small fellow is shutting up like the little boy after getting scolded by mother and father both together.

And while we are watching the vene-rabble cheering and giving the ‘three sadhus’ I am also seeing many policemen and STF boys standing around with the tear gas and the firearms. I am getting close to the big police officer who is standing there with stars and stripes all over the chest, smiling radiantly like both the sun and moon put together and ask him, ‘oh the great and mighty officer of the glorious police of Sri Lanka, please be telling me, why are there so many policemen and STF boys standing here. Are you expecting the trouble?’

The officer is smiling even more radiantly and saying, ‘You foolish fellow! What trouble? We are not expecting any trouble from these fellows. Why should they be troubling us when we are not going to be troubling them? Only the Islamics are going to be getting into the trouble. Not us. We are here for the training.’

When I am looking a bit on the perplexed side the fellow is explaining, “You must be knowing that the most glorious Gnanasara is saying that the police in Sri Lanka is not knowing their business. This is very true. Our rule books are now very old and out of date also. This is why while the most venerable Gnanasara is writing new book we are here to be watching and learning. When the vene-rabble start running around, killing and burning, we are also running around shooting tear gas ses and the rubber bullets at no one in particular. It is good fun for everybody except the Islamics.’

“But why’, I am asking. ‘Why is the holy one so angry with the Islamics?”

The police man is shaking his head like he is talking to small boy-child. ‘Aiyo!’ he is saying. ‘I can see I am talking to very common man. Are you not knowing you fool that some Islamic is having the argument with the Buddhist priest? Don’t you know that according to the rule book the holy one is preparing it is illegal for any Islamic, Christian or any other non-Buddhist person to be arguing with Buddhists? It is very fast becoming criminal offence for which the whole community is getting punished.”

This is so incredible, I am saying. No time in the history is the Buddhist having this kind of power. The policeman is laughing and saying, of course, this is why we must be protecting Sri Lanka at all costs. In what other country can we be doing this? You think you can go to the England and burn Islamic shops because the Isamic is having arguments with the Buddhist?”

I am nodding my head like madman to be showing that I am completely and wholly agreeing with this. ‘Tell me, my common fool’, the police officer is asking. ‘Are you yourself having any trouble with Islamics? If so, we can be helping’ I am thinking very hardly and fastly and then remembering suddenly. ‘I am not having the trouble’ I am saying. ‘But my little son is. Very recently and not so long ago this Islamic boy is hitting my son on his little head with ball and my little fellow is coming home crying’. The policeman is very angry. ‘This is most criminal’ he is saying. ‘Are you sure he was aiming at your child?’ ‘Of course!’ I am saying. ‘My child is batting and the Islamic is bowling, bouncing the ball very hard and hitting my child on the head’ The policeman is shaking the head. ‘Criminal indeed. Almost like the child abuse. Please be supplying the name and address of this Islamic and the addresses of all the mosques and prayer houses in your area and we will send the details to the holy one who can organise the next action in your town’

I am smiling happily thinking of the joy my son is going to be feeling when he is hearing the good news. Just then I am also seeing another man standing next to the policeman. It is big man with big tummy like he is already swallowing half the nation and smiling resplendently like he is happy about it also. He is having the letters MODA on the front-side of his shirt. I am asking, very curious-like, please be telling me my good Sir, what is the meaning of these big letters?’ The big fellow is smiling like father smiling down to little boy and saying, ‘ my dear common fellow, these letters are standing for Ministry of Defence Attache. That is meaning that I am completely and totally attached to the Ministry of the Defence.’

I am feeling totally honoured by this and asking, ‘my dear Sir, are you the only MODA fellow around here’ and the MODA fellow is laughing loudly and saying you foolish fellow, please be looking around? What can you be seeing? Most of these people who are giving the three sadhus whenever the glorious one is speaking are MODA fellows. In fact most peoples in this country are MODA fellows and we will not be looking the backside until we have made everybody in the whole and entire country a MODA fellow’.

I am feeling like giving the three sadhus myself but before I can be speaking I am hearing the vene-rabble giving the wild cheer and then everybody running in one direction and the most worthy Gnansara getting into his holy car and driving in the other direction. The police men are beginning to be shooting the tear gas into the sky and the STF fellows start shooting the crows and pigeons with the rubber bullet like there is no tomorrow or day after. In the distance we can be seeing the Muslim shops burning and the vene-rabble cheering.

The policeman is looking at me and asking, ‘why you are not taking the part? Some very good shops getting burnt today. Good time to be picking up the colour TV or DVD player. I am already having my fellows look for good bargain.’

I am wondering whether to be or not to be MODA when very serious looking tall man is approaching. ‘What are you doing here?’ he is asking. “Are you checked already?”

“Checked for what?’ I am asking wondering if this is some kind of medical fellow checking for disease. ‘Checking for the Tattoos, fool” the tall fellow is saying. “I am tattoo police. Nobody is going to be burning Islamic shop or home if he is having the Buddha tattoo anywhere near his body. It is most heinous crime against Buddhism to be engaging in saving Buddhism while carrying Buddha tattoo also. So I am commanding you to be taking off the clothes and presenting your backside and front-side to me for the inspection.’

I am looking very frightened and shy also when the MODA man is saying ‘Aiyo not to be worrying, he is only here to be watching, no burning or stoning. Just watching like us’ and the tattoo fellow is walking away looking not so satisfied but not happy to be challenging a certified MODA fellow also. The MODA fellow is winking at me and saying being MODA is giving one a lot of power in the country today.

Just then we are hearing someone else coming. A little policeman with no stars or even a single stripe is coming and saying very shy-like that there is a minister wanting to be coming through. Who is the minister, the MODA fellow is wanting to be knowing and the policeman is saying that it is the Fakeem. Which Fakeem, the MODA man is asking and the policeman is saying the Ash Ahamed Fakeem, the minister of the law and the order. And the MODA man is rolling on the floor laughing his backside off and saying what a wonderful sense of humour Our Majesty is having, making an Islamic the minister for the law and the order when there is no law or the order for the Islamics. When he is finally stopping the laughing he is asking, why, why the Ash Ahamed Fakeem wanting to be coming and the policeman is saying this is because he is wanting to be seeing and assessing the damage. ‘What damage?” the MODA man is asking. “We are only starting. Tell Ash Ahamed to come in the night time when all the damage is done. Then he can be assessing as much as he is wanting.’ The policeman is going and coming back very soon and saying the Fakeem is refusing to be leaving. The MODA man is laughing again and asking so what is new?

Just then somebody is shouting. Tweet coming! Tweet coming! We are all very eager to be knowing if it is another inspiring tweetering from the unbelievably harmless Gnansara. It is not. It is coming, straight from the Bolivia where Our Majesty is travelling, bringing the Bolivia also in to the universe that he is conquering. It is Our Majesty’s address to the Nation at this crucial time:

“Go to sleep! “