Expecting too much from your expectations of others?
Repost This ArticleI had an “aha“ moment this morning about my own patterns of habits when I was reflecting on an incident when I felt let down by someone close to me.
I have always been secretly pleased (and smug) with myself about the fact that I can eventually learn to let go of the expectations I have of people close to me. I can over time learn to let them be free from my neediness and therefore have a freer relationship. I learn to accept them for what they are willing to give me in the relationship. Eventually!
But what I didn“t realise was I hadn“t still learnt to stop expecting things from those close to me. So I go through this never ending cycle of imagining what another person can give me, and then realising that they may not always fulfil these expectations and then reminding myself that they are only human and that I should accept them for who they are.
I was so impressed by my own aha moment of my own frailties that I shared it with two friends early morning for their feedback. They were quick to point out that as human beings its quite normal to have attachments and expectations from those we love. I also reflected that as I get older I am also better at letting the other person know what I am expecting from them. But I am still secretly hoping that they will read in to my actions of how I respond to them, of what I give them and that they will read in between the lines and infer what I am expecting from them. What can I say I am human and a woman no less!!
I also reflected that this kind of heartache happens mostly in our personal relationships. In our professional relationships we have all our expectations and measurements of the success delivery of those expectations in our performance management processes “ as goal setting, as competency frameworks etc. So much easier. If only we could have these in our personal relationships too.
But then the richness of the emotional growth we may have will be limited and will be clinical. Who wants to let go of the heartaches and pain that mould us and grow us and makes us wiser?
However, this is a lesson for all those managers out there, that to try and be as clear as possible of what you want your team members to deliver. Be as clear as possible as to what you can deliver, who you are as a leader and what to expect from you. Help them understand when you are going through a process of transformation or difficulties. This will make you more authentic as a person and as a leader.
Take this back home too. Learn to be authentic. Show who you are as a child, parent, spouse, lover, friend. Ask for what you want from others. Negotiate when necessary. But also know that as much as you can ask for something from someone, that person always has the right to refuse it. Understand that these define the parameters of your relationships.
So until I reach the Bodhisatva state, I shall be more aware of my patterns, and can lessen my attachments to expectations of others and learn to be a little more clearer from the outset of my expectations. I can“t promise miracles but I will “live“ trying.
Wishing you an “aha“ moment in your leadership and personal growth.
This self analysis is good and helps a lot of people.
But the important thing is to go beyond and take life as it comes, and continue to fulfil your duties to humanity. This can be achieved by those who posess the knowledge necessary to do so.
Such knowledge is confined only to certain disciplines.
Thanks this is excellent will be sharing with my family and friends.
Aha!
The Mervyn Silva,
Your responses are priceless!
Thanks for sharing.
I once read that the only kind of justice you can get in this world comes through what you put into interpersonal relationships
the self is the last frontier
very few get there…
I understand that all those cancellations by OU have some sort of international notoriety. Awareness is for their hard-earned, glorified and super-imposed celebrity status – as transgressors of divine, ethical and moral laws and civilized physical sense and norms against mankind – but surely not as recognition for their achievement or contribution to humanity. All those invitees have global popularity on their unique achievement in their own fields of specialty – but not head of states. This annulment stands-out and merits to be singled-out since His Excellency Rajapaksha is a ‘Head of State’.
Both the Oxford and the Cambridge have over 800 years long history and their cluster of schools joined together and gained global prominence as illustrious educational institutions. Even Adolph Hitler honoured and spared them. University of Oxford was established / founded in 1823. In 187 years history of University of Oxford, our president has become the first and the only Head of State who had been withdrawn the invitation and cancelled his prescheduled Address to the Union; and consequently, the episode also becomes an added feather in his cap – as a blessing in disguise – the first in almost all. Thanks! Nithy!
Dear Nithy,
In future, please make sure that you submit your comments to the correct forum. Your comment above does not address the topic of this particular article.
Thank you.
GV.
Thank you very much, GV, for alerting me and pointing-out my unpardonable blunder!
Overwhelmed by a sense of shy became so speechless to realize that I have miserably committed such an error by posting my comment under a wrong subject which has no relevance to the topic of exchange. .
I am deeply sorry and earnestly apology for my recklessness and obliged to assure that I shall be more cautious and pay due attention in the future. Regretfully, Nithy!
Many thanks for all your feedback!
I agree that too much naval gazing can paralyze you. I am always walking this interesting tension between inquiry, reflection and action, keeping in mind that change withing own self is where you have the most amount of control. You can at best strongly influence others. It is also in your inter personal relationships that you have the most amount of learning, especially because your emotional investment is highest in these.
Blessings
Huh?