Fiction / Creative Writing, Satire

Banyan News astrologer analyses planetary event on 26 January 2010

Banyan News Reporters

21st January 2010, Colombo, Sri Lanka: The occult of warrior Mars and royal Jupiter on 26th January will dominate the planetary motions in our heads, guts, backsides and wallets for the next six years. The official Banyan News astrologer Mr Ahasrahas analyses the implications of the above cosmic event to determine the extent to which we will get screwed in the next phase of this rather predictably catastrophic cosmoastropoliticosociomasochistical cycle.

The cosmic collision on the 26th will have a profound effect on Aquarius and Cancer over the next six years. You survived the bloodshed and misery brought about by the Sun God who moved out of your fifth house last May and you may even have side-stepped a few landmines and escaped 81mm mortars in your time, thanks to your lucky stars. But the planets will continue to bring ‘mung-eta’ donated by Malaysia, ‘kadala-parippu’ donated by Canada and flour from the World Food Program for you to make vegetarian ‘kottu-roti’ until your villages are demined and your ailing bodies and broken spirits no longer pose a threat to the territorial integrity and national security of this Earthly paradise. Cancer can greatly improve their condition however by learning to walk in the direction their eyes are pointing.

Regardless of the outcome of next week’s cosmic showdown, it is likely that all the star signs will be ruled by Capricorn (a goat) or Taurus (a bull) for the next six years and be rooted deeper in conviction that they are victims of foreign government and INGO conspiracies.

The Gemini moon may tempt the holy custodians of the land with German cars and Scottish spirits. They will do well not to fall prey to such heathen conspiracies formulated to destroy the legacy of your two thousand five hundred year inheritance. However, limousines and booze will prove to provide adequate sustenance when the enlightened teachings and moral principles are betrayed. They will also help when there aren’t traitors or heretics left to bash up or any of their temples left to be torched.

The planets are constitutionally bound to line up at least every six years to pamper Aries and Cancer with promises of pay rises and tax-free vehicles, but thanks to a rare planetary sequence this year, they may even get a free, tax-payer funded meal in the first house of Jupiter! This bout of good fortune will not last for more than another week, so make the most of it even if it means you have to clap and whistle on queue like idiots at street rallies. Avoid rioting in the streets however, because all the Gods together will not be able to save you from the impulse and unbounded desire of opposing party members to disfigure or kill anyone wearing the wrong colour at the wrong time.

Those born into Taurus can continue to drive through the galaxy in their extravagant motorcades and enjoy their hefty perks regardless of the outcome of the Jupiter-Mars occult as long as they have the presence of mind and utter lack of principle to cross over to the right side at the right moment. Soon everyone will eventually realise that despite the astronomical number of stars and government ministers, there is no celestial or terrestrial body that is directly responsible for the current shortage of ‘bombai-motai’ in the market. However, the transition of Minor-Taurus Silva from Scorpio to Ur-anus may cause back-pains and groin injuries for many. Make offerings to the Gods beseeching them to keep him in the golden seventh house of the idiot box.

Battle weary Sagittarius may be confused about who their real boss is. Your ruling planet in the second house of dilemmas will lead to much confusion as your former boss will count on you to help him serve you as if you were his boss. His former boss who is your present boss’s boss (which kind of makes him your present boss) will come knocking on your door as if you were the boss and ask you to make him your boss. Try not to worry about who the real boss is, for the truth will reveal itself to you in another week.

Virgo will do well to stop bullying young undergraduates to boost their low self esteem and stay the hell away from politics until their mental age catches up with the chronological age. You’ve had everything given to you for ‘free’ all your life on the back of hardworking taxpayers, so it’s time to look for an alternative lifestyle instead of annoying the crap out of commuters in the morning and then picketing and crying for state jobs till dusk. Try, if you have heard of the process known as, ‘growing the hell up’!

The planets have been stirred ever since Libra dropped the sword which fell on Jupiter’s foot making him scream and kick the dog of envy which bit Saturn in his leg causing him to strike Libra’s scales tilting them on to one side sending hapless journalists to their graves and others to jail. The next six years will see Scorpio attempt to raise its tail once again while Leo goes through an identity crisis. The greatest challenge would come however from the swelling ranks of Aries who will continue to be exploited by all the planets and constellations until they submissively drive themselves into destitution.

  • Should mankind be fooled continuously by “astrology”, which is neither a science nor an art.?

    It is a psychological persuasive instrument to manipulate people to achieve the desired result by the “forecaster” who has no capability to tell the future.

    Whenever I look at the publication of “Horoscope” I turn my eyes away from that manipulative evil. I see 12 columns with 12 predictions. Does it mean that this world of 6 billion people have only 12 “forecasts” ?

    It can never ever be the truth>

  • StarStruck

    “His former boss who is your present boss’s boss (which kind of makes him your present boss) will come knocking on your door as if you were the boss and ask you to make him your boss.”

    Haha! Delightfully funny. At least I know who the Sagittarian and Ariean actors are, but who’s the childish Virgoan?

    For sure, Mars will be doing important things on the 26th, and feeding fire into the natal Pluto of a certain Scorpio native, bringing him back to power for another six years. You can be sure the election date was carefully selected for him, too. Cos it’s also the day when the Scorpio native’s own natal god of war (Mars) will be blessed by Saturn, giving him perhaps an even longer-than-six-year term in office (cos Saturn rules over permanent events). He won’t even have to wait long to begin the plundering cos Jupiter starts to smile at his Venus, ye gods of plenty, from February.

    Poor Sagittarian guy–somebody forgot to tell him that nobody should run for election at the age of 59, when they’re faced with their Saturn return, which is heaps more debilitating than menopause. And with Pluto complicating that return, while sitting on his Venus–much money will be lost too. So, bye bye, to power, money, Mr Sagittarian? Perhaps even worse because Jupiter will be magnifying all that bad luck on his chart.

  • justitia

    It is surprising that this absurdity of ‘astrological predictions’ is on this website.Sri lankans including politicians,patronise astrologers,anjanam kaarayas,’dehi-cutting’ event foretellers/lost property finders,kattadias,thovil/bali practitioners,’rishi vaakiyam’ readers,malayaalam magicians, ‘yaagam’ organisers,special hindu temple pooja organisers etc.etc.
    There was in the sixties a tamil federal party politician who organised an Asuvametha Yaagam complete with a white horse imported for the purpose by the government of the day.He ended up as an ambassoder.Many state organisations even organise “all night pirith ceremonies” to confer ‘merit’ on themselves and on the ruling regime/head of the regime.
    These charlatans were challenged by Abraham Kovoor of the Rationalist Society of Sri Lanka, and none dared to take up the challenge.
    There is a saying – “A sucker is born every minute”. In sri lanka, a sucker is born probably every second.

  • Honest Opinion

    If astrology if scientifically predicted will tell the past and future accurately.

    I was not a believer in astrology until recently and never attempted to read my chart or palms. Then the change of mind suddenly occured some seven years ago. My chart was read by three highly recommended astrologers. I also got Kaandam read. The outcome was positive on all the readings. When I listened to the audio recording of my Kaandam reading five years later, I could not believe how accurate the predictions were.

    It has worked for me. A bit of caution! I am not crazy to bury my head in Astrological readings.

  • believe in god and not your leaders

  • Nimal

    This is a lot of BS.They could predict that the pigs could fly.People must get real,specially people in power should not be a victim of this stupidity.Get real I say!

  • Forgeth about the article – it is far more satarical that five out of six people felt it their duty to comment on this article without actually reading it!!!
    Could that be an insight into whats tragically hillarious about our country?

  • Leanie Meanie

    Great article!

    Citizen: good observation 🙂 if I may add: A friend told me that watching news nowadays is better than watching American comedies! Therefore it is amusing that some commentators didn’t see the humour in the banyan!

    “They could predict that the pigs could fly”….. yes of course pigs can fly, hasn’t anyone heard of a certain airline serving that purpose….. Flying home to the South, eh! As for Goat: “Goat-ah”, ah yes that too can fly, very heartily so as we saw recently, and not only for purported medical treatment! So Singapore’s enjoying exported goat meat? Let’s hope pig meat gets exported permanently too next week. Albeit, we must admit that a certain new Bird meat is not of much better use here, other than for swimming in ponds or upon a Swanee River, but then again one man’s meat may turn out to be slightly less poisonous than the pig and goat meat, eh?

    Back to banyan news: I don’t believe in astrology but banyan’s astrologer makes far more sense when compared to the perfidious predictions promised by the two aforementioned bosses. Despite my zeroe faith in astrology, I’d still pin my hopes far more in such astrology than in either of those two bosses!

  • Sarath Ranawaka

    I have no idea what this astrology is all about, no idea what the article says either..cos, can’t be bothered reading it. But as I see, the second row of that animal chart on top of the page, it looks like the crab is pushing the goat to walk straight and fight while the man with the balance is waiting till the war ends to weigh his pound of flesh. Is it ironic or what?

  • StarStruck

    To all those who think astrology is nonsense, please know that the Sagittarian candidate in question is facing a Saturn return, which is what McCain faced on 4 Nov 2008 (and which he also experienced when he was shot out of sky and fell in Vietnam). Astrology is far more reliable than polls if you know how to read it.

    All people of the world don’t have 12 forecasts only. That’s only solar astrology, and its very inexact because it only considers the position of the sun on your chart. You are right to turn away from these. There are 10 other planetary positions to check out too, as well as your ascendant sign, nodal positions, and how all of these relate to each other and to current planetary transits.