Remote Controllers a threat to National Security
New meters will monitor ‘patriotic TV watching’ by citizens
By Banyan News Reporters
Colombo, 15 January 2009: The television remote controller poses a serious threat to the country’s national security, the government has determined. A new law will soon be introduced to register and regulate this electronic item.
The ubiquitous gadget helps unpatriotic persons to change the channel when matters of national importance are being broadcast on state TV channels. This, in turn, deprives the government its rightful opportunity to address and inform all its citizens, security advisors have pointed out.
There is also the possibility that terrorists or their sympathisers could use remote controller as a ‘weapon of mass distraction’, to keep citizens uninformed or misinformed about the government’s resounding military victories in the North.
“As a responsible government firmly believing in our right to inform the people, we must ensure that every citizen is reached. At this turning point in our history, we cannot allow subversive technologies to undermine the great strides we are making against terrorism, corruption and poverty,” said Lackeyman Horagulla, head of the National Centre for Media Security.
The new law, to be brought in under Emergency Regulations, will require all households to register their remote controllers with the nearest police station. At registration, a microchip is to be embedded in each unit with a unique code number. With remote electronic surveillance, the authorities will be able to determine which TV channel is being watched in any household at any given time, and how often channels are changed.
“We want the process to be as non-intrusive as possible,” Mr Horagulla explained. “We have no wish to enter any houses and disturb people. We just want to make sure that everyone watches Rupavahini or ITN or at least the other patriotic channels when critical information is being transmitted. We must educate our people.”
The government had earlier considered acquiring sophisticated equipment that can over-ride any terrestrial TV channel and forcibly impose state-sanctioned content. However, this course of action was not pursued as it could lead to protests of interference and was likely to be challenged in Supreme Court by some private channels.
Monitoring household patterns of channel surfing would help achieve the same result at a much lower cost and with no legal complications, security analysts noted. State TV channels would soon be showing guidelines on patriotic television viewing, especially when news and current affairs programming is being broadcast.
Senior officials at Rupavahini and ITN denied that they recommended this action due to their consistently dismal audience ratings and declining advertising revenue. “We are proud to be the nation’s official channels and do not consider we have any real competition in being the patriotic voice of our political masters,” they added.
They privately acknowledged, however, that all their attempts to discredit their main rival channel had failed to work. Over 40 per cent of the entire country’s TV audience remains fiercely loyal to the People’s Channel. This includes many of its vocal (‘patriotic’) critics who watch it secretly.
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Sources of intelligence have also warned that men with moustaches are a threat to national security in Sri Lanka. The elusive leader and his subordinates of the LTTE – also known as the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam (now spelt as Ezham – apparently to confuse the advancing government forces) whose moustaches has costed the lives of nearly eighty thousand Sri Lankans are the key suspects identified by intelligence as serious threats.
The undisputed King Kakille Rajaposterior reiterated in his latest address to the nation that “all moustaches should be considered a threat to the freedoms and liberties enjoyed by Sri Lankans and the Sri Lankan way of life”. Earlier in the week, the defence secretary had explained to journalists at a press conference that “there is no such thing as a good moustache and a bad moustache.” The consternated journalists seemed too nervous to ask the popular government official about his opinion of beards and other hairy spots.
Please… i did not say "other hairy spots".
"Pubic hair" is not a bad word… is it… or did the government say it is a bad word?
ha ha ha….. good one
Sorry citizen. As you know, you are a dying breed. A priapic voter. emboldened by the imminent fall of the LTTE, gave me a call and said citizens who use cuss words undermine our security forces. I am compelled to comply. Banyan News Reporters may respond to you directly.
Look out – there's a white van parked under the Banyan Tree!
Will the government ask citizens to register how often they eat, go to toilet and have sex? Then they can monitor and take necessary actions.
Former Illangayan,
Haven't you heard? We Sri Lankans don't have sex, period. So there is nothing to monitor on that front. Trust me, we have this on the authority of the Public Performances Board, JHU (lay and clergy sections) and the strictly celibate cadres of the LTTE and JVP.
This story reminds us of a well known Russian joke from the Soviet era:
In Soviet Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: 'Turn back at once to Channel One immediately, or else…'
It looks like Putin & Co are now trying to reverse the clock to that era. And here in the paradise isle, we can remember how President Premadasa forced the only private channels during his time (MTV/Sirasa) to carry the SLRC news every evening in full.
The situation is a bit more complex now, but as we saw recently with the Defence Secretary's interview, some private channels broadcast it at the same time as SLRC and ITN (Derana was rather predictable; TNL was more surprising).
History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce?
well it so happens that Mr. Shan Wickramasinghe greatly wishes that MR was the brother he never had… or does he have a brother? hmmm
Well guys you never know, this itself could be a source of idea for the Sri Lankan government who is draining out of splendid national security ideas. after all they might not notice the satire.