My life and my choices in a country at war: A personal reflection

By Packiam

Where to start, what to write….

2007 gone, 2008 started. When I ask myself what I wish in year 2008 I sincerely, hardly find any answer for myself. However, lot of life stories were replayed in my mind. Competing for attention, I’m torn between these choices.

How am I to choose?

I’m thinking of my dear friend who was shot dead two months back and left his speech impaired wife and two children behind. How can I support this family?

Or

Should I think about the mentally ill woman who was found near an army camp who was shouting and removing and throwing her jewels without knowing what she is doing. After a great deal of intervention my two staff and I manage to get her into a hospital. Later found out that she was also 2 ½ months pregnant and has a 2 year old son. On receipt of the address from the hospital when I visited her home the family members who had desperately searched and given up started to cry when they heard all the detailed news about their family member ….. The way they treated me and their plight of helplessness…

Or

Should I talk to somebody regarding one of my staff who vacated his house overnight and went into hiding? We did not even get had a chance to share what is going on, while he left everything at home and just left

Or

Should I deal with the woman who is a dear friend and co-worker took lot of different tablets with the intension to commit suicide ……………leaving behind her four children, because she could not bear the atrocities of her husband any more…

Or

Should I deal with one of my best friend who received threatening phone calls to pay some ransom money for unknown person or face death …

Or

Should I deal with another friend who called me very pathetically, asking help to find a trustworthy person to supply a meal once a day while he was hiding because of a threat from his ex colleagues who is at present with the military forces with arms doing all kind of activities

Or

Should I deal with a woman who came to our office and explaining about her husband was one of the 5 people were killed by unknown persons … asking support for getting death certificate or some money for food where she also 3 months pregnant

Or

Should I deal with a positive & constructive criticism about my inability to spend quality time with my friends & family members with whom I am living together?

Or

should I deal with one of my good friend from south visited me for three days went to see lot of realities and discussion finally before he left to Colombo he said I can only admire your work…

Or

Should I deal, when I return home after work the excitement of my 1-year-old child running all over to express her happiness to see her parents same time her sufferings without her parents…

Or

Should I deal with one of my colleague who decided to leave the organization after working last 6 years within that 1 ½ years in management for personal reasons…?

Or

Should I deal with some of our donors who have complained that they did not get the progress report in time…?

Or

Should I deal with death of four goat babies in the farm. After the birth within a week because of carelessness, workload, and overconfident of staff.

Or

Should I deal with my life partner who was very worried about my health and safety of travelling…?

Or

Should I deal with the young men who stand between two checkpoints, stop all vehicles, and ask to buy their party newspaper or I have to change our travel route…?

Or

Should I deal with the invitation from a friend in Colombo to participate for the year-end party or get together…?

Or

should I deal with my elder daughter (six years old) who is intelligent enough to ask me “appa I know last year we had a Christmas tree and some decorations, but this year we don’t need to do because lot of people are suffering”……

Or

Should I deal with the situation where three motorcyclist with arms staying just in front of our house in the dark then left after 10 minutes. How do I deal with what we felt at the time?

Or

Should I deal with the telephone calls from overseas from my family members after a powerful claymore exploded ½ kilometer from our office, which killed four people including 10 years old boy and injured eight people?

Or

Alternatively, should I deal with the invitation for a meeting /workshop in Europe regarding the situation especially in human rights and developing joint strategies?

Or

Should I deal with the information that one of the international NGO country director (who is also my friend) asked to leave the country within 24 hours.

Or

Should I deal with the telephone call received to our office at about two o’ clock in the night call saying they will come in two hours time keep the money ready for them.

Or

Should I deal with the complain from our resettlement village where in the particular night a white van came and forcefully entered into three houses and took four people with them. Four are missing.

Or

Should I deal with the emotions of at least 10 out of 35 staff started to tell their life story while they were crying during 3 days of a social mobilization workshop.

Or

Should I deal with one of my co-staff recently got married and is now without her husband who was arrested during the random checkup of Military in Colombo and now in Boosa Prison?

Or

While I was writing this the Government took a policy decision to withdraw ceasefire agreement (CFA) and wipe off the terrorism.

Should I cry?

Should I laugh?

Or

As lot of my friends, ask me to think about my safety,

Is the priority?

This is my reality in the past two to three months.

These are my choices. This is my life.